I worked as a park ranger in Northern Alaska for years, from when I was in my early twenties until my mid-thirties. At first, when I took the job, I was trying to escape, but over time, I learned to love it- the endless wilderness, the snow-capped mountains, the muffled way everything sounded during blizzards. With no light pollution, the stars up there look like tiny chips of diamond. And during the winter, the Northern Lights roll in, twisting and shimmering in strange, alien colors.
But a few years ago, things got much worse. People up here have started to go missing at an alarming rate. And I started having strange experiences around the park and the nature preserve.
One of the strangest parts of my story started on a freezing, dark night in 2018. I was on a snowmobile out in a terrible blizzard. The conditions were nearly to the point of being impassable. The snow was falling so thick and fast that it looked like a moving, shimmering wall of white on all sides of me.
Another ranger, a huge, lumbering man named ‘Ace’ Acosta, pulled up behind me on a second snowmobile. I looked at him, standing six foot six with majestic peaks stretching up into the night sky, and thought about what a great picture this would make. As I was looking around, I saw the faint tracks in the snow. Ace’s snowmobile lights were pointed in their direction, and I had been standing almost on top of them without realizing it- which is fairly easy to do when a few inches of snow are falling every hour.
At first, I thought it was the frozen tracks of an injured animal. I saw the drops of blood soaked into the superficial ice first. Following their direction with my eyes, I realized there were footprints pressed into the frozen crust leading away from me and towards the flat stretch of the tundra. I squinted, getting down on my knees and leaning inwards. I didn’t want to trample the tracks.
I quickly realized I was looking at human footprints- naked human footprints. But who would be out here in December in -40 degree winds without shoes? They would die rapidly out here. Just for me to drive across the tundra on a snowmobile required me to wear three jackets, long-johns, snow pants, thick jeans, a ski mask and multiple layers of socks and gloves with hand-warmers. I wore special water-proof boots with composite toes that wouldn’t freeze like steel toes. And despite all of this, I was still cold.
I moved forward, and saw handprints mixed in with the footprints, all of them bloody. The ice was thick enough to slice open human hands and feet, undoubtedly. The logical conclusion was unshakable- someone had crawled through here, maybe naked, on all fours, and their frozen body would be somewhere up ahead. I sighed, turning to Acosta. He still stood in the same position, his face covered in a red scarf with only his eyes showing. I saw one ice-covered eyebrow raise questioningly.
“I think we got us a body somewhere nearby,” I said, getting back on my snowmobile and starting it. He did the same.
“What kind of freaked-out tweaker would be walking around here without clothes on?” Ace asked in his deep baritone. “Man, I need a hit of whatever that guy’s on. I’ve got two sweaters and two winter jackets on, and I’m still cold. Eh, Kelton? Eh? What do you say?” He started elbowing me jokingly. I frowned, not responding.
Ace always had a smart aleck remark. He was next to me when I was interviewed for this job originally, down at the recruitment center in Washington state. The old lady doing the interviewing was a bloodless, angry-looking specimen of a woman with huge glasses that magnified her eyes twice over. She spat out each of the questions like a drill sergeant talking to fresh meat in the Army.
“Are you a member of any organized religion?” she had asked brusquely. Ace shook his head.
“No, ma’am, but I am a member of a disorganized religion,” he said. “We call ourselves ‘the Servants of the Old Ones’. We’re waiting for the ancient reptilian gods at the bottom of the ocean to awaken. So far, however, they haven’t responded to any of our texts.” I thought about this as I revved the engine twice, a sign that I was about to pull off and that he should stay close.
We took off, going slow and following the tracks as close as possible without destroying them. But the tracks just kept going, the bloodstains seeming to grow fainter as we moved forward- and strangely enough, the distance between the hand and footprints also started to get longer, as if someone were running on all fours and speeding up. We were nearing the beginning of the forest of evergreens when I saw a white flash just up ahead.
The thing that ran from us was humanoid, but I knew at once that it was no person. It ran on hands and feet, totally naked, its skin a pale, lifeless white color. It turned its head towards the lights of the snowmobiles briefly. I saw a hairless creature with skin that clung tightly to its simian body, its lips permanently pulled back from its mouth as if they were eaten away. Underneath it showed mottled black and red gums covered in thick, clotted blood. Its nose appeared as little more than two irregular holes, and its eyes- they reflected the light of the snowmobiles, like the eyes of a raccoon or opossum. They were huge and sunken in its starving, monstrous face.
And I saw what was leaving the bloody trails. The creature was, as far as I could tell, totally uninjured. In its permanently grinning mouth, between rows of crooked, sharp, blood-stained teeth, it held the body of an infant. The baby’s head lolled from side to side, the neck seemingly broken, and blood dripped constantly from its mouth and nose. It had deep puncture marks in its tiny parka, half-rings of teeth marks that must have broken its ribs. The bloodstains on the snow were becoming fainter, because the heart was no longer pumping in the body of the one leaving them.
I had a loaded rifle inside my snowmobile, and kept a 12-gauge shotgun slung around my back, mostly in case of bear or moose attack. I always kept the shotgun loaded with slugs, which were, in my experience, the most versatile ammunition for stopping any large animal. The .308 might take down a polar bear, at least with a good headshot, or it might just piss it off on a bad day. But a shotgun slug to the head or heart will stop any bear or moose in its tracks.
Of course, this was no polar bear ahead of me. For all I knew, it was something far worse. I looked down at the speedometer to see I was going twenty miles an hour, in the dark, in a blizzard. And yet this strange humanoid creature was still losing us, its seemingly never-ending store of energy still sending it forward at a superhuman speed. Its pale, bony legs and arms pumped back and forth so fast that they were just a blur. It kept its sharp teeth around the nape of the dead infant’s neck, like a mother cat carrying its young.
I kept one hand on the steering wheel while trying to free the strap of my shotgun over my head. I slowed down below twenty, and the creature responded by going even faster. It was making a break for the mountain forests that started only a few hundred feet away. I got the gun free and quickly stopped the snowmobile and raised it. I centered the sights, taking a deep breath to steady myself, and fired.
I missed, though I don’t know by how much. Shotguns had the drawback of being significantly less accurate at further distances than the rifle. But by the time I got the .308 out, I knew the creature would have long since disappeared in the thick brush and trees. By this point, Ace had also stopped and opened fire, but the creature had already gone.
“God damn!” Ace screamed. “That was one fast motherfucker. I can’t believe he got away after all that.” I heaved a deep sigh.
“I think we better go find out where he got that baby from,” I said. “We might have a lot more corpses on our hands than we realize.”
***
We found a radio in the snowmobile and messaged in what had happened, or at least the basic gist of it. I left out the part about naked, half-human abominations, and said that it was an unknown animal. There wasn’t much law enforcement up in these parts, because, hell, there were barely any people. The rangers as well as fish and wildlife agents regularly worked with the police officers in small towns, at least those that had police officers. Dozens of the local tribal villages had no police at all. These people would come to forest rangers and fish and wildlife agents most of all, and were always some of the county’s friendliest and most helpful residents.
By the time we got back to the original blood-stained footprints, the snow had covered up the tracks completely. However, based on the direction that the creature had been going and where the tracks had come from, I thought I knew where it might have started. Following the path in a nearly straight line led to the Lutna Peak Trailer Park. Ace and I drove off at max speed across the rolling hills and flat plains, the snow coming faster and heavier now. They say eskimos have dozens of words for snow, and after being a ranger up here, I can say I’ve seen every variation of it a thousand times. This was turning into the kind that was wet with huge flakes and tended to stick to everything. We would probably have to find refuge soon, especially if it got any heavier.
I heard the screaming before I saw the commotion. As we came around the sharp right turn where the dirt road turned into the trailer park, I saw dozens of people out, flitting like gnats around one of the trailers at the back corner of the park. All of the lights were on in that particular trailer, and I saw one woman comforting another who was bent over and crying.
Even though almost everyone knew us here, I pulled out my badge identifying me as a federal law enforcement officer. Up here, all the rangers were technically federal agents, allowed to carry guns and make arrests like typical police, except we were licensed under the Department of the Interior rather than under state law enforcement agencies.
I ran into the trailer, and after one long glance around the place, I knew there was no need to call for any ambulances. Ace followed close behind me, his heavy, thudding footsteps shaking the trailer slightly as he ascended the steps. We said nothing for a long moment. The entire family was dead.
There was blood everywhere, even spotting the ceilings. Most of it had frozen in the cold, and I wondered how long the door had been left open. Body parts were scattered across the floor, an arm in the corner of the room, a head standing up on the kitchen counter, even a random tooth embedded into the sheetrock. The savagery was brutal, and the amount of strength required to carry out such an attack must have been extraordinary.
“I think we’re going to need a lot more people on this than just me and you,” Ace said. I nodded, already bone-tired, and with so much more work to do tonight before I could go to sleep.
We phoned both state and federal authorities in the area. Since much of the land was tribally owned, we had to deal with multiple branches. Eventually we got CSI out there in the middle of a snowstorm, though they had to come from over three hours away. We just secured the scene while we waited, constantly being brought into neighboring trailers where townsfolk would tell us the latest gossip. They also brought us hot coffee and tried to milk us for any information we might have, as they usually did in such situations.
“No, Maggie, honest,” Ace was saying to one old lady wrapped up in an ancient fur coat, “I don’t know any more about it than you do. You can be sure that you’d know if I did.” By that point, police cars were slowly pulling in, one by one. Ace and I told them a simplified version of the night’s events, said goodnight and left the scene to them. I went home and took a scalding hot shower, trying to force the night’s coldness out of my bones. Then I slept deeply, though I had nightmares of that creature’s face turning to me, holding a dead baby in its mouth and marking me with its emotionless, reflective eyes. I didn’t know it then, but that would be the last time I would sleep in a bed for many days.
***
The state police assigned us an officer the next day, stating they wanted an official representative of their interests involved in the case. It was, by this point, a fairly high-priority case. We didn’t even have many assaults or robberies up here, less likely murders, and the murder of an entire family really stirred up the locals. The fact that the CSI techs couldn’t make heads or tails of it made it even worse. They hadn’t even agreed on whether it was done by humans or animals or a combination of the two, like men with fighting dogs who went berserk. With no leads, they wanted us to go back to where we had seen the creature the previous night and see what we could find.
The police officer who would be tagging us, a woman named Officer Melinda Jansen, had the look of someone who just started a new job, and doesn’t realize how terrible it is yet. She was all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and when she shook my hand, she nearly crushed the bones together under her iron grip. I saw Ace wince slightly when he shook her hand too. When she turned her back, he looked at me with one eyebrow raised, as if he were saying, “What can you do?”
It didn’t take us long to find the spot from the previous night. When we got close to the forest where the creature disappeared, I saw a branch that had been hit by a shotgun blast, and knew we were right on the money. In the daytime, I saw that there was a slight, curving trail through the trees here, maybe an old deer trail. It was just wide enough for us to take our snowmobiles through if we went slow. Occasionally, I would have to get off, being in the lead, and move large branches that lay across the path, but overall it was faster going than I had expected.
The trail followed across the top of a rolling hill, went down and then spiraled up around a mountain. We were high now, at least 7,000 feet above sea level, and the view went for hundreds of miles. It was breath-taking, seeing the frozen white landscape below us, mountains lining one horizon and the Arctic Ocean on another. A couple hundred feet ahead of us, however, the trail just stopped. I saw an opening in the mountain. Slowly bringing my snowmobile up, I looked into it and saw what looked like naturally-formed stone hallways.
The halls sloped down at a steep angle without stairs. An eerie silence radiated from the gradually thickening darkness. The other two snowmobiles cut out right behind mine, and Officer Jansen came walking up, flicking on her LED headlamp. Immediately, I saw a strip of light blue cloth. I walked forward, bending down to confirm what I had already suspected: that this was a piece of the missing infant’s clothing.
“That looks like more than enough cause to me. Let’s do this,” Jansen said. “I’d like to be back before sundown.” She kept walking without waiting for confirmation. Ace and I slung on our packs and turned on our headlamps. I tried using the radios and sat-phone to share our location, but neither was working. The bright, artificial lights showed that the natural stone walls of the hall just kept on descending into the mountain. A warm breeze blew past me, an acrid, sulfuric smell following in its wake.
“This is just a body recovery mission at this point,” I whispered to Ace, giving Officer Jansen a wide space so I could talk. “So why are we potentially risking our lives here? We should be waiting for back-up. We both know that the infant is dead, and has been for a while.”
“You know what I think…” Ace whispered conspiratorially, before a low shriek stopped us all in our tracks and ended conversation. I never did get to hear what he thought. By this point, it was much warmer than it had been outside, and I had the urge to start stripping off jackets. The shrieking had intensified, and was now being answered by dozens of others that surrounded further away in the stone halls.
Officer Jansen had pulled out her gun, which I saw with some astonishment was a .454 Ruger, a large caliber gun with good stopping power. I saw enough magazines strapped around her hips to decimate an entire herd of buffalo. I also pulled off my shotgun, making sure it was filled with lead slugs.
“Do you have any idea what we’re up against?” I asked her. Ace was right behind us, his shotgun already cocked and loaded, the muzzle pointed downwards. I was sweating heavily by this point. The air in the tunnel just kept getting warmer. It felt like I was walking into a sauna. Thin clouds of mist and droplets of hot condensation clung to the smooth granite ceilings. The hall continued to descend at the same steep rate, but now I could see something at the bottom: light.
“Not much more than you, really,” Officer Jansen said with a slight sneer. “My only advice is to shoot first and ask questions later. Kill anything that moves. This place has taken a lot of people already, people who were too fat and slow to watch their own backs…” I squinted as I examined the lights. They seemed to emanate from some sort of organism growing on the stone’s surface.
It wasn’t electrical lights, and it certainly wasn’t natural sunlight. It glowed like the lights of millions of fireflies, a purplish-blue color that painted the granite floors and walls in a totally different light. We were walking as quietly as possible by this point, but I still hadn’t seen anyone. We reached the bottom of the stone halls, where strange mushrooms glowed in the darkness, their mycelium giving off that black-light color everywhere as it stretched across the threshold of the opening. I turned off my LED, seeing my comrades do the same, then poked my head through, looking back and forth.
I saw more of those creatures from before, their lips missing, their skin pale, their eyes huge and rabid. They constantly twisted and snapped their heads to the left or right, as if hearing something only they could perceive. Two were dragging an elk that had been mutilated and torn down the middle. Another was dragging an old man’s dead body forward by the upraised legs. I saw the old man’s head was missing, his wrinkled hands trailing behind the body. I watched where all this activity was headed, then I gasped.
A huge, insectile monster sat lazily against the stone wall as these creatures brought it meat. The monster was so fat that I wasn’t even sure it could stand up. It had a blood-red, chitinous exterior with a hood like a rattlesnake’s that extended around its head. Its teeth trembled together constantly as it shoved more gory offerings into its mouth, sending blood gushing forwards in thick clotted rivulets that dripped down its chin. Its long, thin arms had sharp knife-like digits, and its six legs branched like those of a praying mantis, splayed out on each side of its body, shining a dark red color in the strange light of the chamber. Its belly stretched far in front of its body, and with horror, I saw it drop a cluster of eggs, each as big as a dog. Their surfaces writhed and trembled, looking tight and ready to burst at any moment.
The creatures that fed and cared for this monster rushed over, dragging the eggs to the corner of the warm chamber. I saw that there were dozens more of them over there, and that some had already hatched.
Whatever that monster was, it had already given birth, and now those things were walking around, totally free to kill anything, or anyone, they wanted.

Just imagine this scene, it can happen if you choose to:
"You felt it, you felt the sex being parted by my long's fingers, as your thighs are being forced to widen to accommodate me being lodged beneath you. My tongue slippery and warm; it glided to you from opening up to your clit, which I nipped at with my teeth. Your gasp filled the empty room. I repeated the same action again, and again. Eventually, your thighs are already quivering, and I continue sucking your clit while momentarily rocking your world as your eyes squeezed shut."
Yes, I'm quite a gentleman and would want to get you off first before me. Did that get your attention? If so, below is the {insert boring generic fact sheet here} details about me, what I'm looking for:
Male, 25 years old (as you guessed from the title lol)
I hope you love a tall guy because I'm 6'5! (200 cm). I'm probably going to need to put some effort into kissing you (I'm sure you're worth it) . I'm in decent shape, not quite fat or obese.
White, Hispanic, Euro mixed. Quite a bit of a hybrid.
Clean, clean, and did I say clean? You won't have to worry about any STD'S/STI'S around me, I can assure you that.
Located on east San Jose, near east ridge mall. I normally can’t host but since my landlords are out of the country for a couple of weeks, I’ll be able to sneak you in and host you no problem at the moment. (:
Let's meet up for some drinks at Starbucks or a movie perhaps? A little window-shopping? For sure, you like to get to know you a bit more before the NSFW part of our story happens. Your hobbies, interests, goals, your life story, etc. If we vibe and hit it off well, I could get you a cute dress while we're at it. (: Then we can head back to your place or mine(temporarily) , where the action begins.
I'm open to any age and ethnic/career backgrounds, as well as if you're single or in an open relationship/marriage.
Message me so we can fulfill your pleasures today. (: Please no dudes. I'm straight.

Lululemon (LULU) is scheduled to report its fiscal first-quarter results today. I expect LULU stock to likely go up due to revenues and earnings beating market expectations. Retail stocks have continued to come under pressure as economic headwinds coupled with inflation have intensified. Despite the current macro headwinds, Lululemon has been able to churn out robust quarterly earnings reports in FY 2022. Management now expects net revenue to be in the range of $9.30 billion to $9.41 billion, representing growth of approximately 15% y-o-y in FY 2023. The previous year saw $8.11 billion.
Analysts expect earnings of $1.96 per share compared to earnings of $1.48 per share from the same quarter last year. In terms of sales, they anticipate an increase of 19.24% over the prior-year period, coming to $1.92 billion. For the fiscal year, analysts expect a profit per share of $11.60, compared to $10.07 in the same period last year.
As you guys may already know, the company specializes in yoga products for Becky and workout gear, competing against industry heavyweights Nike and Adidas. The retail landscape looks more challenging for the remainder of the year. Barclays noted in a May 2 research note that "consumers across all income brackets are pulling back" on discretionary products as inflation takes a chunk out of their wallets.
Meanwhile, analysts (that means you, right?) have been closely watching inventory levels as companies try to offload stockpiles of excess merchandise. Storage costs for those mountains of goods, and the promotions and discounts often needed to move them quickly, tend to weigh on profits.
One of the top retail sectors early in the year, footwear and apparel retailers, has started to show signs of weakness. Rival Nike (NKE) was downgraded to sell last week based on a challenging outlook for its U.S. business and "choppy" recovery in China. Elsewhere, Foot Locker (FL) received a downgrade and price target cut from Citi based on price-sensitive consumers and an "unhealthy" U.S. athletic market.
However, some consumers plan on restocking their fitness gear with summer around the corner. Roughly 35% of consumers plan to splurge on apparel and 19% expect to spend big on fitness products this year, according to a monthly McKinsey survey in May. That's up from April's results of 33% of consumers planning to splurge on apparel and 15% on fitness products, respectively.
Despite the choppy U.S. market, LULU stock received price target upgrades in late April as analysts are still positive on the company's overseas outlook. TD Cowen raised its price target on LULU stock to 525 from 500 on April 27 and maintained an outperform rating on the shares. The firm noted it expects direct-to-consumers and e-commerce growing to 43% of sales and current trends "suggest a bullish read for the international mix shift."
That followed a Bank of America (BAC) price target upgrade on April 20, which lifted BofA's forecast to 450 from 410 but still chose to maintaine a buy rating on LULU stock. Lululemon continues balancing its historically grassroots-focused marketing program with "several more meaningful campaigns," the firm wrote. Bank of America noted Lululemon's "unique" membership program is gaining traction. And growth in China will be a key near- and long-term driver.
On April 18, media reports emerged Lululemon is looking to sell the at-home fitness business. Bloomberg News reported Lululemon was working with an advisor to solicit interest in the business. CNBC later reported Hydrow, a private startup that makes in-home rowing machines, has interest in a deal with Lululemon.
Lululemon previously announced at the end of March it was "evolving" its at-home fitness business strategy with plans to focus on digital app-based services. In its fourth-quarter earnings, Lululemon disclosed a $443 million impairment charge related to Studio Mirror, the company's streaming workout service.
Lululemon averaged 28.8% earnings growth over the past four quarters while revenue averaged 29.8% quarterly gains last year. The yoga company found its center and beat Wall Street earnings estimates the past two years.
As mentioned earlier, analysts expect Lululemon adjusted earnings to bolt 32.4% to $1.96 per share while sales sprint 19.3% to $1.924 billion.
FactSet forecasts same-store sales to rise 15.4%, slowing from the 28% growth last year and 27% growth in the fourth quarter, respectively.
In terms of TA, LULU stock formed a handle for a cup-with-handle base after breaking out on April 17. Shares fell roughly 9% from the buy point and are nearing the maximum 12% handle decline for the pattern. Lululemon stock tumbled 13% from its 386.80 buy point for its previous cup base on the weekly MarketSmith chart following its May 5 breakout. The move triggered the 7%-8% sell rule. LULU stock is hovering above its 200-day moving average but trading well below its 50-day line. Shares retreated the past week after slipping below the 10-day moving average on May 19.
For earnings tho, my research has provided me with a mix of bearish and bullish news. Just for fun I want to inverse my gut instinct that initially says "buy calls." So I'm gonna grab puts just to see. That being said, it's up to you guys to read this and come to your own conclusions. IV is very high so it's better to go for a spread, regardless of what you choose. The average move with earnings has been about 10% so we might see a big move tonight. Grab your popcorn!

Introduction
1) Will this be your first dog? If not, what experience do you have owning/training dogs?
*As an adult, I adopted a senior Aussie/lab that I had until he passed away, and fostered a Border Collie for approx. 6 months. Both at separate times.
2) Do you have a preference for rescuing a dog vs. going through a reputable breeder?
*I prefer going through a breeder due to the longterm connection, assistance with any breed specific issues, and health & temperament reliability.
3) Describe your ideal dog.
*My ideal dog is one that can go on long walks with me before and after work, not absolutely destroy the house while I am gone, can enjoy downtime, and will be able to handle and ENJOY weekend adventures with me (hiking, kayaking, etc). I enjoy a dog that is Velcroed to me, but not necessarily laying on top of me at every second (my senior Aussie would follow me from room to room and then lay down two feet away from me, coming up for occasional pets. That was perfect)
I would like a best friend & partner, but not a blanket.
4) What breeds or types of dogs are you interested in and why?
*I have always loved herding breeds. I like how intelligent and ready for anything they are, while still having a bit of quirk. I also like that they aren’t as “bumbling/goofy” as gundogs.
5) What sorts of things would you like to train your dog to do?
*Ideally, I would love to train my dog into advanced obedience - I have sensory issues and a poorly trained dog that is completely out of control would drive me crazy. I am open to dog sports, as well.
6) Do you want to compete with your dog in a sport (e.g. agility, obedience, rally) or use your dog for a form of work (e.g. hunting, herding, livestock guarding)? If so, how much experience do you have with this work/sport?
*I am open to dog sports, but do not have any experience with them. They seem like fun, and if my dog needs a job to do regularly, I am certainly okay with the idea.
Care Commitments
7) How long do you want to devote to training, playing with, or otherwise interacting with your dog each day?
*I would say that my playtime & training dedicated time (which I hope would be able to intermix, I love hide & seek dog games and other dog learning games) would be approx. 2 hours per day. I consider my pets family, so interaction would be able to occur whenever I am home and awake.
8) How long can you exercise your dog each day, on average? What sorts of exercise are you planning to give your dog regularly and does that include using a dog park?
*I have a fenced yard, so the dog will be able to use the bathroom outside whenever it needs. Otherwise, I would anticipate 45-60 minutes of exercise per day, whether this is rigorous play in the backyard or walks. On the weekend, I am usually out for 2-4 hours in total of hiking, kayaking, etc.
9) How much regular brushing are you willing to do? Are you open to trimming hair, cleaning ears, or doing other grooming at home? If not, would you be willing to pay a professional to do it regularly?
*I would prefer to keep brushing to once a week or every couple of days. I don’t think I could manage daily brushing. For other grooming needs, I am happy to pay a professional groomer.
Personal Preferences
10) What size dog are you looking for?
*Medium to large. I don’t want a small cat-sized dog or a giant.
11) How much shedding, barking, and slobber can you handle?
*I have no issues with shedding. I need barking to be fairly minimal - I don’t mind an alert bark or two to let us know that someone is by the door, but I can’t deal with barking at every passing squirrel… and person… and rabbit… and dog… etc.
I don’t love drool. I can handle a bit, but my grandmother had boxers that would rain spit when they shook their heads, my dad had a spaniel that would drool puddles… I can’t do that.
12) How important is being able to let your dog off-leash in an unfenced area?
*Not important. I have a fenced yard, and otherwise I will be using a leash without exceptions.
Dog Personality and Behavior
13) Do you want a snuggly dog or one that prefers some personal space?
*As mentioned, I like the mix of Velcro with personal space. I’m fine with occasional snuggles, but my preference is to be in the same area with pets now and then, and maybe a lean against the legs.
14) Would you prefer a dog that wants to do its own thing or one that’s more eager-to-please?
*A healthy mix of both, but leaning to eager to please. I want a dog that is trainable and excited to live life with me.
15) How would you prefer your dog to respond to someone knocking on the door or entering your yard? How would you prefer your dog to greet strangers or visitors?
*A healthy bark is fine with me, but not aggression. I really appreciated the aloofness of my Aussie with strangers.
16) Are you willing to manage a dog that is aggressive to other dogs?
*I am willing to manage it, but I would prefer to avoid that risk.
17) Are there any other behaviors you can’t deal with or want to avoid?
*I have a cat, and I need to know that she will be safe sharing a space with a dog.
Lifestyle
18) How often and how long will the dog be left alone?
*I am gone for approx. 10 hours total on weekdays including commute, but I am willing to pay for a dog walker or daycare two or three times a week. On weekends, the dog would be with me nearly all the time.
19) What are the dog-related preferences of other people in the house and what will be their involvement in caring for the dog?
*My partner shares my preferences with a lean towards less shedding, specifically on his work clothes. I’m fairly sure we would be able to figure out a way to lessen hair on work clothes, and we have lint rollers if we can’t. He’s fine with giving pets and helping with care, but I will be the primary caregiver.
20) Do you have other pets or are you planning on having other pets? What breed or type of animal are they?
*As mentioned, a cat.
21) Will the dog be interacting with children regularly?
*No.
22) Do you rent or plan to rent in the future? If applicable, what breed or weight restrictions are on your current lease?
*Yes - no breed restrictions.
23) What city or country do you live in and are you aware of any laws banning certain breeds?
*Southeast US
24) What is the average temperature of a typical summer and winter day where you live?
*In the summer, mid-90s. It wouldn’t be incredibly surprising for temperatures to hit 100. Winter is mild. It is also humid, so the heat feels pretty blanketing.

Sorry it's been so long, things have been extremely hectic but stuff has calmed now and my personal issues also seem to be heading the right way!
Primary purpose for this post is just a quick update: obviously it's been a few months since I posted our formulas and mentioned being open to a final sale of old stock and our micro mixes for those interested.
Everyone who responded positively has been contacted directly immediately preceding this post going up, but this is just to let everyone know I'll finally be able to get on top of those for those still interested over the next few days. I'll be doing a comprehensive stock check by the end of the week, and will inform everyone who's expressed interest how much of each of the things they're interested in we have left. It'll mainly be micro mixes, but I'll get all the info.
If anyone is interested in any of this and hasn't said yet, feel free to drop me a message and I'll send the info to you as well.
Given the issues with couriers in the past, I'm going to prioritise UK-based customers as a lot of the issues seemed to stem from customs, and will then proceed onto EU customers if there are any wishing to take the risk.
As the website is shut down now, payments will be done by PayPal invoice. I'll itemise these so you can see a full breakdown of the costs, and will also only send the invoice once I have everything packed. I'll take the parcels back to my house after packing them so I'll be able to drop off parcels as promptly as possible following invoice payment (I appreciate long delays in the past may make people a little wary, so I'm wanting to do everything I can to mitigate that concern).
I'll also do my best to use your choice of courier (this mainly applies to UK customers as I'm unsure on the partnerships our couriers have in each EU country) if you have a preference, just let me know. I'll then check what price I can get with them, and let you know.
If you have any questions or queries, don't hesitate to get in touch or post below - I'm hoping to turn my focus pretty solely towards this over this upcoming week so there should be pretty fast turnarounds.
EDIT: Quick edit actually just because it's occurred to me. There are obviously a few posts dating from when we were having shipment issues near the top of this subreddit as it's relatively inactive. There's also quite a lot of info and questions below them that may be useful to those still using our product or doing DIY recipes. I'm considering, therefore, deleting the posts relating to delays as these issues were all resolved a few months back, but I don't want it to look like I'm trying to hide those experiences - I'm curious if anyone has any input or preference in regards to keeping or deleting these. I'll go with majority opinion.

I took a pretty large dose on Saturday evening with a fwb of mine that I have very mixed feelings toward.
I'm a small woman. 5'3 and 145lbs. I take Lamictal nightly (75g). I have a history of anxiety disorders. I ate 4g in the form of a chocolate bar and about 20 minutes afterward experienced this insane hallucinatory experience.
I felt nauseous and immovable. I saw so much imagery that I felt overwhelmed. I surrendered once I hit a level of acceptance. I began to visualize imagery of my home state and felt a longing for the people that I love and miss. I joked a lot. Felt a lot of uncontrollable laughter. Laughed until I cried. Eventually got up and kind of moved around a bit. Danced. Put on sunglasses that looked like kitty cat eyes. Listened to good music. And eventually settled down and just enjoyed my time with the dude.
At some point at the tail end of the trip I smoked a cigarette and that gave me an insane headache and I almost collapsed. But other than that, I felt fine.
Now, afterward, I felt terrible. I've been experiencing this near constant on and off fatigue. Random muscle pain. Sporadic headaches. Brain zaps. And serious random downs.
It isn't a predictable or consistent sequence. I also didn't have a bad trip. I've been eating regularly and drinking water as normal. I've even exercised nightly. I've been able to fall asleep with relative ease. I haven't really been too irritable and my friends and coworkers say that my behavior is fine.
However, I get into these moments where I experience this exhaustion and intense anxiety. I wonder if I took too much and, like, fucked my brain chemistry or something.
I'm kind of not really cool with the idea of calling my psych about this one. I'm not sure where to turn to. I tried talking to the fwb that I tripped with about it, but he completely blew me off and got kind of angry/aggressive sounding when I tried to talk to him about it. So I'm a little in the dark on this and trying not to panic.
If anyone has any insight or experience with this I'd greatly appreciate some perspective.

Hey all, I saw some good posts about labowage laws here in the past and was hoping someone could help me out. I'm not sure if my situation is legally allowed or not, I assume it is since I'm in a right-to-work state with nearly no worker protections but maybe I'm wrong.
Context: I work at an entry level job for a company in Tennessee, USA. At the time that I started, the minimum wage the company paid was $16/hr. This is what I have been earning. I received a write-up for too many tardies a few months back (guilty as charged, I didn't have any good excuse for being late as much as I was). I determined to do better and haven't been late since. It was the only write-up I've had and otherwise I'm performing my duties just fine.
Last month it was announced that the company was raising the company's minimum wage to $17/hr and that it would be effective immediately that all hourly workers would get a $1/hr raise. Come payday, I noticed on my paystub that I didn't get the raise. When I asked my manager about it, they looked into it and were told by HR that because I had a write-up I was not eligible to get the raise, even though the raise was supposed to be for all hourly workers and was otherwise not related to my personal job performance. HR pointed to some legal document that stated the company had the right to withhold any raises for anyone that had any disciplinary action within the past 6 months. HR said once it was 6 months past the date of my write-up they could "review it again to potentially increase (my) pay."
This seems off to me. If it were that I was denied a raise because of my own shortcomings I'd understand, but "everyone gets this except you" doesn't seem right. Not to mention their wording of 'potentially' implies they could continue withholding it from me. Is this common? More importantly is it legal?
Thanks for your help.

FIRST PREV NEXT
Memory transcription subject: Captain Sovlin, Federation Fleet Command
Date [standardized human time]: July 26, 2136
My morning alarm blared, forcing my groggy eyes open and I slammed my paw onto my holopad to shut it up. Beleaguered, I sat upright, stretched, then tore myself from bed to get ready for the upcoming day.
I had been given a hotel room in the Grand Capital Hotel just outside the governing hall, oftentimes reserved for diplomatic and administrative personnel as well as experts and guests who were invited to activities and votes. Its mixtures of green flora mixed with brown walls and large glass windows with intricate metallic designs perfectly encapsulated the value of art and botany in Aafa. Its interior designs were just as luxurious, with displays of natural free-flowing water dotting most floors. Given the near-monthly nature of large-scale events of Aafa - whether they be simple conventions or summits such as this - the hotel saw continuous use as many governments and private individuals would arrange for their own to stay the duration of the ongoing event. I had personally insisted that I didn’t need such arrangements, but both Piri and Nikonus wanted me to be well rested.
Unfortunately for them, I never had the liking of overly luxurious spaces. With years of naval service under my belt, I had become accustomed to living in utilitarian rooms and barracks; anything more opulent just seemed wrong. While I appreciated the beauty of it, I could hardly bear staying here - I was the leading officer of a fleet and there was a war to fight. These were not times to enjoy hedonistic pleasures. One quick breakfast later, and I tried to make my way towards the summit hall.
Tried to.
Massive crowds surrounded the governing hall, choking off almost every possible access point. In several areas, tents had been pitched on open ground and even a few entrepreneurial stalls had popped up, catering to the entrenched crowds. I had to make a deliberate point out of flattening my quills as I jostled my way through the throngs of people. Most were native Kolshians, but a sizable minority were other Federation species, keen on seeing the summit firsthand; I could only guess to the size of the online audience. I wouldn’t be surprised if the live viewership was in the hundreds of millions. Recordings of the summit would likely get tens of billions of views within hours.
That in of itself was hardly surprising. A supposedly exterminated and long-forgotten predator species suddenly rose from the dead? And then that same predator species destroyed three patrol vessels? News organizations had been quick to seize the sensational story, as they churned out headline after headline. Some suggested that the humans had already amassed a fleet of ten thousand ships ready to launch. Others focused on the gruesome aspects of humanity’s brutality and cruelty. I knew the former was wrong; if they had ten thousand ships ready, then they would have attacked by now. Given the primitive nature of the orbital installations detected by the patrol, it was obvious that they had only recently clawed their way back to a state that we had found them in before our first extermination attempt.
Such common sense, however, didn’t stop the all-consuming media from running obviously false headlines or opinion pieces such as: “Venlil Prime Would Have To Surrender to Humans If Attacked For Chance of Survival: Military Expert Analysis.” What dull idiot gave that opinion, anyway? I’d pluck every quill from him if I could for suggesting that Tarva would willingly surrender to predators.
I know her! She wouldn’t do that.
Not to mention, I’m doubting the credentials of this so-called “military expert.” The article was published by the rag known as Federation Today, a news outlet exposed by the well respected investigative reporter Cilany herself. Unfortunately, that non-credible source had once more found a market in fanning the fears of the populace.
The only people who read that stars-forsaken newspaper are old ladies hundreds of light years away from danger. Not to mention that FT hasn’t been relevant for a whole decade… until now.
I continued pushing my way through the immense crowds of people, even as I was internally lamenting the poor reaction of the media. While many were here simply to watch the summit, a significant portion of them were protesters. Some held signs demanding the new infestation of predators to be summarily exterminated. Others were demanding answers as to why the previous extermination failed. I could deliver answers and solutions once I was inside, though progress was slow as the streets grew ever more packed the closer I got to the hall.
Eventually, I finally managed to reach a private entrance that wasn’t blocked by the crowds. I showed my credentials to the extermination officers stationed outside of the door, who promptly waved me in. The insides of the chambers proved to be nearly as loud and bustling as the outside. While there was a greater degree of order, I could still overhear arguments for caution, declarations of support, and cries for immediate extermination. I knew I would have to appeal to a large and diverse audience with competing interests.
Unlike what the Federation often tries to outwardly portray, the member species are anything but unified. Rivalries abounded within the Federation, whether political, economic, military, or otherwise. For one, there was an ongoing trade war between the Fissan Compact and the Nevok Imperium, as the upcoming Fissans had attempted to undercut the Nevok’s business deals across the galactic scene. The bigger power-brokers, like my own Gojid Union, had routinely been at odds with the other powers like the Krakotl Alliance, especially in military affairs. Lastly, political leadership jostled around frequently, and committee chairs had a notoriously short turnover rate. The rare exception to that was the Kolshians - who typically headed several committees due to their expertise in multiple fields of study - and the Farsul, who tended to always chair the Historical and Cultural committees because of their expertise in those fields of study and education.
The only true unifying factor amongst the Federation was the war against cruel and unpredictable predators, whether it be Arxur or common pests. While I was long disillusioned with many of the higher points of “prey unity” pride, I had long known that this was a fundamental war of survival as we, prey races, had to form one large herd to overcome the existential threat that predators faced. And now, with a new species of spacefairing predators laying at the frontier of the Federation, we as a herd needed to deal with them quickly and competently.
And yet I’m concerned about both of those things. Competence and speed seem to be rare commodities within the Federation.
I sat down at my assigned seat in the massive auditorium next to member species from other parts of the area of space that the Gojids inhabited. The Venlil Republic, represented by Cheln, sat to my right.. On my left was Doctor Zarn, a part of the Gojid delegation in spite of his Takkan heritage, who gave me a tail flick in greeting. Further to my left was the Zurulian representative Chauson, who seemed to be conversing with the Tilfish ambassador. I began reviewing the documents I had taken with me to prepare for the report I was to give to the governing chamber and the hundreds of cameras recording for the billions of citizens watching from either outside or at home.
Nikonus tapped his microphone with one of his purple tentacles to indicate that he wanted to start speaking, and the noise and chatter immediately died down. In an unusual display of foresight, representatives who had been up and walking went back to their seats and sat down without a fuss. We need more miracles like those on the front, with soldiers following orders that need not to be given.
The Kolshian Chief rubbed his tentacles on his chin before beginning. “Esteemed members of the Federation,” he began. “We have called forth this summit to discuss solutions to the extremely concerning developments on the border of the Venlil Republic. There is a new group of intelligent space-faring predators at the Federation’s doorsteps, ready to expand beyond their home system. They are already known to those who delved deep into the history of predators: the Humans.”
Not a peep could be heard from the dignitaties in the room as Nikonus let the hall fester.
The Kolshian leader continued, satisfied with the weight of the situation settling on the audience. “It appears that these predators survived the onslaught of the extermination fleet almost two hundred years prior. A preliminary investigation into the ill-fated extermination attempt has revealed that it was both rushed and unprepared. Thus, the matter to discuss today is a second extermination attempt - one which avoids the shortcomings of the first. As such, the first to speak shall be the Venlil delegation, to testify about the situation within their space. Following them will be expert testimony before a broader discussion through the chamber. Questions are to be kept until after these experts have finished speaking.”
The Venlil diplomatic advisor stood to speak. He seemed rather uneasy, which could have been mistaken for stage fright without the knowledge that he’d been uneasy all week at the mere thought of predators living within Venlil space.
“Thank you, Chief Nikonus.” Cheln started to address the hall with a nervous gait. “Humans have been encountered a-alive within claimed Venlil territory. We sent a scout force of four on a mission to investigate what was thought to be a smuggling base between their system and Venlil Prime, but instead ended up encountering a single Human patrol ship. The Humans attacked first, and without communication. O-only one scoutcraft came back alive. Included within our data package are the testimonies of the t-two survivors.”
The battle was already galaxy-wide news. What wasn’t was the fact that the Humans only had one ship. Much of the chamber was taking glances at each other. The Krakotl ambassador seemed to be puffing out his feathers. The Suleans and Iftalis were whispering to one another. The unease within the auditorium was palpable.
“They are still undoubtedly the monsters they were before the extermination,” Cheln continued. “What civilized species attacks first and talks later? I don’t think you could ever find anything like that in our history books. E-especially not since we’ve been in space! Even if we didn’t know who this species was, we could very well guess that they’re predators. To prove that, I yield my time to Doctor Zarn, of the Gojid delegation.”
Nikonus affirmed the request as Cheln sat back down. Zarn took that as his queue to stand, moving to the front of the auditorium. While the Federation very much knew of the qualities of predators, it was always good to remind them as to why predators were dangerous enough to warrant extermination.
“Thank you, Ambassador Cheln,” my tough-skinned head doctor began. He brought up a slide presentation on the screen. “A doctor’s oath declares the intent to save all life. Animal or sapient. Young or old. Good or bad. However, for those unaware, I wrote my doctoral thesis on humans. I argued that some life is not worth saving, and used humanity as an example of a lesser known predator that is as capable, potentially even worse than the Arxur.“
“The humans were at constant war with each other and only accepted the absolute destruction of their rivals.” He flickered through some images we obtained. One showed nautical vessels being bombed by outdated propeller airplanes. The next was a clip from the point of view of a bomber levelling a large city. They had cities? “Their idea of warfare entailed the mass bombing of their rival’s cities and gathering each enemy offspring in butchering camps to roast them alive.” The next slide was a group of predators lined up next to a ditch filled with bodies with predator soldiers aiming at them, presumably ready to execute them. “They-”
“Enough!” Nikonus gurgled. Everyone looked ill. I noticed some visitors had lost the battle to keep their breakfast inside of their bodies. Even I, who had seen what the Arxur did to innocent civilians in-person could barely hold my stomach. “We don’t need these painfully grotesque images and videos. Please, skip them and move on. I believe you’ve made your point.”
Zarn seemed unamused and closed the presentation. “All of this is documented in detail within the Farsul archives. These humans, even as a doctor sworn to protect life, are not worth saving, even for study. They are a blight on the face of the universe and must be eradicated.”
With the situation established and the evil of humanity exposed, it was now time for me to provide my full testimony as an expert on the military threat that Predators pose. The opportunity to set the agenda was a first to me. Political fights in the Federation, as a military commander, always felt like a gruelling uphill climb; I felt gracious to be in the driver’s seat on any political issue for once.
As Zarn sat down, Nikonus called on me as the military expert. I rose to speak.
“Thank you, speaker. The solution to the human problem can only be found in a thorough extermination of their cradle. In the long run, they may prove to be crueler and more capable than the Arxur, but we still have time to prevent this eventuality. An infant predator is still merely an infant, after all. And I have more than just sayings to back my words.”
“Human capabilities are next to nonexistent. Firstly, they responded to an intrusion into their system incredibly late, engaging only when the scout patrol was nearly in orbital bombardment range. Secondly, they only sent a single vessel. This leads me to the conclusion that they lack a large fleet of ships and that, even if they did have something significant, few would have FTL capabilities. They do have some orbital defenses, however. Ground defenses are unknown, but given the incredibly primitive state of their orbital defenses, I do not think that it can be considered a threat.”
Now to address the Mazic in the room. Bringing out my holopad, I transferred the footage of the human patrol craft simply blinking out of reality. Several audible gasps could be heard from the crowd.
“The most worrying aspect of Human capabilities is their apparent novel FTL drive.” I started hammering into the one true threat that Humanity fielded. “Looking through the logs of the returning scout ship reveals that the ship never detected any subspace disturbances. In addition to this, the visual and extravisual sensors only detected the craft as soon as it materialized in front of their ships. Therefore, the only possible conclusion to draw is that these predators invented a form of FTL travel that is completely undetectable.”
“The largest risk is that these humans, using their undetectable FTL travel, come into contact with the Arxur. I do not believe these two bloodthirsty predators could ever cooperate, but the chance that they might, and that this FTL tech falls into Arxur claws is perhaps the most pressing concern we currently face. The Arxur, if they find out about humanity’s novel FTL, would likely raid Earth and take the tech for themselves. Either that, or humanity, given that they, as predators, are much more sophisticated than the Arxur, might willingly give the FTL over to the Arxur knowing their demise is near.”
“Thus, the need for careful planning and a decisive blow that leaves the humans little time to think while they’re being attacked is utterly necessary. A piecemeal force, either for scouting or extermination, will be obliterated by predatory tactics. And, both to carry the antimatter bombs and in the chance that the Arxur discover the humans too, we need overwhelming force to ensure the success of a complete extermination.”
I sat down in a steady manner. Instead of waiting on the next expert witness, behavioral scientist Chauson, to testify though, Jerulim, the Krakotl ambassador, suddenly lept up, tail feathers puffed up and out. The krakotl nearly bled everyone’s ears out, screeching, “we need an immediate attack! If these predators somehow came up with an FTL drive that we can’t detect, then the only way we can ensure that they die is that we exterminate them now!”
I got back up to retort but Cupo, the Mazic president who had shown up personally for this summit, did that for me. “Did you not listen to a word that Sovlin said or read a single bit about the prior attempt? Rushing this extermination is a ridiculous idea! Not to mention, if what Sovlin says is true, then they could attack us anywhere at anytime without us even knowing! We need to protect each of our worlds with fleets before they abuse that!”
The Krakotl leaped from his seat and began to dive onto the Mazic. “HOW ABOUT THIS ‘SURPRISE ATTACK’ YOU COWARD?!” he screeched as he dove feet-first into the side of Cupo.
It seemed like the situation in the chamber was quickly getting out of hand. As the unstoppable force of the brightly-colored ball of feathers collided with the immovable object that was a Mazic, I noticed that Cheln was on the verge of fainting again whilst Zarn was rushing off to presumably tend to wounded ambassadors. If Zarn was unamused earlier, it was now Chauson’s turn as he was to speak after I finished.
In the midst of the chaos, the lower chamber doors flung open and out came a Kolshian whom I recognized as one of Nikonus’ staff that I had seen yesterday. What in the world is he doing here? The entire chamber turned quiet, including Jerulim and Cupo who seemed to put on a temporary truce to see what was the commotion.
The blue Kolshian was heaving from exhaustion and he stumbled up to the central podium. “T-The- the predators… they’ve…” he heaved out. I noticed I was holding my breath at the news. He took a few more breaths. “They entered the home system of the Venlil Republic… attacked an outlying outpost… and revealed themselves to the acting commander before leaving!”
Everyone was stunned into silence, broken only by the sound of Cheln hitting the floor. Again? The guy has a fainting problem. The auditorium erupted into chaos. Jerulim began shouting that he was right. I heard Cupo trying to shout over him, and succeeding. Several species’ delegations were out of it or cramming themselves out of the exits. Nikonus tried to get everyone to calm down, but that didn’t work. The whole chamber was on the verge of a stampede.
I sat in my chair in shock. This was bad. Very bad news. The humans had the ability to enter and leave any of our systems at will, and they knew that. They were much more clever than I had given them credit for. Much more clever than Jerulim, even, who was now redoubling his demands for an immediate extermination attempt - one that would again end in disaster.
We had no idea what these predators were like, or what they were capable of. Or what they weren’t capable of. We couldn’t rush it. But they needed to be dealt with swiftly. This whole ordeal would test me more than any Arxur fleet ever did.
The benefit of success? Back to the status quo with the rampaging Arxur. The price of failure?
I didn’t want to dwell on that.

Just finished and it did not disappoint. I think there are things I would like to have seen more of, in particular more Ethan Hawke as the Grabber but the tension is in the air for his part. Gwen and Fin were well cast and I without them I believe the film would be more towards unrealistic given the storyline. I enjoyed the paranormal aspect and was pleased with how the overall film was done. As with any film there is always something I would change or want more/less of but for what it is this is a solid 8/10 for me. They took aspects of real life killers and stories and blended it well with they suspense and paranormal so I give them credit for that. Definitely felt like “The Lovely Bones” at times mixed with a A/E documentary of killers and kidnapping of the 70s and 80s. It’s not for everyone which is obvious by the comments in my last post but I enjoyed it. Thanks to everyone for you input, I wouldn’t have actually watched this anytime soon had it not been for the great responses from this sub. Hope to catch more in the near future with all of you and look forward to more suggestions as well as my own thoughts on films you might post. Thanks again “You fucking Fart Knockers!”

Lobo #20 - John Constantine
<< l < l > l >>
Author: trumpetcrash
Book: Lobo
Arc: John Constantine [#1 of 1]
Set: 85
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PREVIOUSLY ON LOBO: After a galactic goose chase to find a man with a bounty on his head for his stolen time travel technology, Lobo discovered that the time travelling technology was a hoax and that he had no way to travel into the past and erase his despicable self. To make matters worse, Scapegoat – demon and his best friend – told him that he’d manipulated Lobo at birth to turn him into an unstoppable brutalization machine in order to help destroy the Divine – and Heaven – in the coming Revolution. Scapegoat, in an attempt to pry Lobo away from emotional and Earthly misgivings, instructs one of his demonic underlings to kill Lobo’s daughter, Crush. She’s bene on her homeworld of Earth for several weeks, scrounging around the streets of Gotham, but if she’s going to have a chance at surviving this demon attack, she’ll need some help…
Most people would expect a renowned demon-slayer’s breakfast to contain eyeballs or tentacles or something else that would make your average Earthling peel away in disgust, but these people overestimate the strength of John Constantine’s culinary palette; at the time that this tale took place, he started every day with a quarter of a box of Captain Crunch.
His demonic consort, Ellie, mentioned it every morning that she ate with him. “The mighty Constantine, eating cereal made for children.”
John, usually not completely dressed by breakfast-time (or lunchtime, for that matter), would shrug and flaccidly insult her own choice of calamari-kabobs.
One morning, though, there were no insults. John’s Captain Crunch went unsullied and Ellie just nibbled at her squid without committing to any particular bite. The air was heavy – not with sulfur as in Hell, but with the shadows of secrets – for several minutes.
Eventually, John spoke. “You haven’t been quite the same since I took ol’ Swampy and that alien to kill Negral,” he said. “Is his death still bothering you?”
Her red irises flashed up to John. “Of course not. I said I wanted to turn over a new leaf, and I meant it. I’m not sick of do-gooding yet, John. After all, variety is the spice of life.”
John nodded as if he hadn’t heard it a hundred times before. He returned his gaze to his breakfast bowl, but not before saying, “Anything interesting happening in the ol’ demon world today?”
“You’ve said “ol’” without the “d” twice now, Johnny boy. You feeling okay over there?”
“No misdirection, please. I just want to stay up to date in the demon world. That’s all. No fights.”
“You want to stay up to date, so you keep using the word ‘old’…”
John knew Ellie was hiding something but didn’t think he could get it out of there, so he just sighed and started to chew with his mouth open.
Smacking, his mother had called it.
It affected Ellie almost as much as it affected John’s mother. Her spine clenched, her eyes widened, and her nostrils flared.
“John–” she began. “You know I don’t like it when you chew with your mouth open.”
“I think I remember that.” John twisted his face in mock concentration while Ellie fumed. “But I also recall that I get pissy when people who I work with keep secrets from–”
“John, don’t be such a ba–”
She would’ve called him a “baby” and moved onto progressively worse insults if it wasn’t for the shriek of John’s cell phone. It wasn’t the phone in his pajama pants pocket that he would’ve happily ignored a call on, but the phone that was ceremoniously hung on the motel basement’s dingy wall with glorious Command Strip technology.
It was the emergency phone.
John left his Captain Crunch behind as he leapt out of his seat and towards the wall. He opened the phone, expecting it to be a costumed superhero or his friend Chas or maybe even his sister; instead, it was the voice of a burly alcoholic.
“Constantine.”
“Lobo,” John realized aloud. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“A demon named Scapegoat is orchestrating the final battle between Heaven and Hell,” he said simply. “And he wants to kill my daughter, who’s on Earth. You need to stop him.”
John cast a glance backwards at Ellie, who just smoldered.
“Where, Lobo?”
Gotham seemed more alien to Crush than outer space could ever hope to be.
Outer space was more colorful and more obnoxious than Gotham, but it didn’t seem as dangerous. Sure, there were entities of unbelievable power lurking on that forbidden moon or right behind that nebula, but they were too big to have the effect of a rusty shiv pecking at your ribcage. Space lacked the stench that Gotham entrepreneurs could bottle up and sell on the interstellar black market as a tool in any amateur torturer’s toolkit.
Despite it all, though, Crush couldn’t quite pull herself away.
She came to Gotham first to help fight the vampire hordes. She did her part and saved some people despite seeing terrible things. After getting her parents back to their land she should’ve gone back to L.E.G.I.O.N., back to her surrogate family, but she was too morbidly intrigued by Gotham to return. It felt like something that her father would’ve loved – the kind of thing that was in her blood. The kind of thing that was evil, demonic to the most extreme vector. The kind of thing she shouldn’t have gotten herself mixed up in.
She never did, really. She stayed out of the local vigilantes’ sights and did a little do-gooding work on the side. A few drug dealers had been locked up because of her. She tried to try booze – sure, she’d had a can of beer here and there back home, but she didn’t really want to even do that again now that she’d seen her father – and couldn’t bring herself to drink it.
That’s when she knew she was ready, when she was sitting at the bar and felt with absolute certainty that she’d never sit at one again off the clock. She stood up and turned away from her untouched drink, her chest slightly more swollen with self-confidence than before.
That’s also when she saw the demon.
At first, she thought that there was a tall, straight-backed man in a heavy black cloak coming to take her just-vacated seat. She shuffled slightly to the left to make way, but the man didn’t follow through the channel. That’s when she realized that his face wasn’t just dark-skinned, but fuzzy and humming too.
His face was moving, as if it was made of a hundred little–
Crush yelped a bit when the first centipede shot out of the cloak and onto her uncovered left bicep. The little thing squealed and tried to sink its pinchers into her muscle until her right arm came up to swat it. It burst with a small pop, but by the time it was dead there were three more skittering on her and more spraying everywhere else in the bar.
The crowd around her started to scream and rush for the exits. Crush heard one or two people holler, “It bit me!”, and saw at least three fall to the floor, but she couldn’t tell if it was because they were bit or because other people toppled them over and trampled over them in the rush to escape. Crush just knew she had to get the bugs on off her; she ran her hands over her arms and neck and she leapt into the air and landed behind the bar counter, momentarily out of sight of the centipede-man.
Crush had no idea what the centipedes’ bites would do to a Czarian, but she wasn’t hankering to find out.
The gap between the bar counter and the wall was lined with bottles of booze and sinks and drinkware and everything else that normal bar operations required. Crush was trying to figure out if she could use any of it when the shifting face appeared over her. A buzzing, claw-ended hand reached over the counter for her, coming for her face. It dropped insects that she hit away in mid-air with one hand as the other reached for her gun. Before she could grab it something else reached over the counter and yanked the demon away from her. She puzzled as she checked the cartridge in her gun and raised it.
Someone was dueling with the creature now, someone with oily gray skin and with the head of… a fish? This confused Crush more than anything else. Why was a walking fish trying to save her? She shook the questions from her head and shifted the gun to the right, aimed firmly at the bug man. Then something insidious flashed in her right ankle, and with a scream the gun fired and shot a blast of energy into her attacker. She couldn’t see the effect, though, since the sudden pain in her leg sent her rolling over the bar counter and onto the ground neck-first.
When she was next awake her vision of the bar, with the fish (no, shark) man bound to a bar-stool by a rope of skittering centipedes, was tinted red. Something in her leg was jerking back and forth, moving her flesh and muscle and bone and drinking her blood. It felt as if it had been happening for hours, but perhaps it was only seconds.
The man – no, the thing – in the cloak stood a few feet away, ominous and silent except for the chittering bugs that made up his form. She wanted to ask it why it had done this, why it was hurting her, who the shark-man was, but she was too busy screaming in pain.
The pain started to travel up her leg, and she thought that she might die.
Then there was a flash of light and there was a fourth person – being, at least – in the room. This one was a human man and a shaggy caramel-colored beard that matched the tousle of hair atop his head. He looked like a detective in the dingy trench coat he donned, and he held something in front of him that Crush couldn’t make out due to her pain-induced convulsions.
“Beelzey, Beelzey,” the man tittered. “Working with crawly critters now, are you?”
“My name is Beelzebub.” Its voice was like a hum that came from nowhere in particular. “Johnny.”
“John Constantine,” the man sighed. He raised what had been in his hand to his mouth, and Crush’s stomach sunk when she saw it was just a cigarette and not some weapon.
“Connie.”
“Whatever. I’m here to stop you from killing her –” he waved a finger towards Crush. “And… whatever the Hell that shark thing is.”
“I don’t have the charm to kill that thing,” hummed Beelzebub. “It was just a nuisance.”
“Who gave you the charm to kill the girl?”
Crush thought she might’ve seen a centipede curl into a smile on Beelzebub’s face, but a fork of shooting pain ripped her attention away from it.
“That is not of your concern, mortal.”
“Then it’s a good thing I’m concerning myself with it.” Constantine pulled something else out of the pockets of the trench coat. “I think that you were given your charm by someone who shouldn’t’ve been giving it to you. I think that if I crush this rock–” he flashed a ruby pinched by his pointer finger and thumb – “that you and your buddies are screwed out of luck for the time being. Shall we try it?”
The buzzing got louder and something deep and evil started to howl in denial, but before the centipedes suddenly flying through the air could reach Constantine, he crushed the little gem between the folds of his palm. Suddenly the cloaked figure and all the centipedes – including the one in Crush’s leg – were gone.
After an indefinite period of time, Crush awoke with a little splash of water on her face. Constantine had laid her out on the pool table. Her mouth started to form into a question, but Constantine interrupted.
“Beelzebub tried leading a rebellion a couple millennia ago, and now he’s chained to the will of his hellish superiors. Apparently there’s a bit of a shakeup going on, though, since a low-ranking demon named Scapegoat was able to get him onto our plane of existence.”
“Scapegoat?” Her leg still burned.
“Apparently one of your dad’s old drinking buddies. Don’t give me that look, I’ll explain when we get back to the compound. You’ll be safe there, at least for a time.”
Crush was too weak to argue, so she just nodded and tilted her head to the other figure over the pool table. “Who’s that?”
The aquatic beast chuffed a few words.
“According to police databases, his name – designation, really – is King Shark. He’s a mutant that says a man who smells just like you broke him out of jail a few months ago. Says he’s in your debt.”
“That’s… that’s…”
“I know.” Constantine reached down and grabbed her shoulder. “Deep breath, now, okay? This’ll only take a minute.”
Crush found the motel – or whatever they called these things in Britain – unsanitary; she didn’t believe in staying overnight at a place where you have to check for cockroaches before you commit to each step.
The room they materialized in was sparsely decorated. There was a folding table, a few chairs to go with it, and some rudimentary appliances (coffee maker, microwave, etc) which sat atop a counter on one side of the room. Sitting at the table was a slender, evil-eyed woman with billowing red-and-black hair. When Constantine and his tagalongs first appeared, she looked pissed, but after seeing both Crush and King Shark, her expression turned to one of confusion.
“What have you gotten yourself into this time?” she tittered. “Is this the girl you’re supposed to return to her father?”
“Actually, Ellie, he wanted me to hold onto her and keep her safe until the war’s blown over.” John sauntered over to the table and took a seat, not bothering to guide Crush or her aquatic guardian. “So we’re gonna build a little compound right here.”
The woman – Ellie – rolled her eyes. “You think we can hide out from a cosmic war in the basement of this shitty place?”
“The battle will take place in some part of space far, far away, and you know how these battles go. No one will really win, nothing will really change. Let them measure their dicks for all I care. Besides, I used up quite a few favors getting the girl – Crush – out of a bind with Beelzebub. Best to lay low for a couple weeks.” He finally turned towards Crush and King Shark. “Help yourself to whatever’s in the fridge. There’s a room for each of you over there.” He pointed towards a hallway that sprouted out of the eastern wall.
“Well… thank you.” Despite her timid timbre, Crush really meant it. King Shark echoed with his own thick and rubbery “Thank you.”
“Are either of you hungry? It’s still breakfast-time here in England, but Ellie makes a mean grilled cheese, and if you don’t like those we might be able to find–”
“No thank you.” Crush put her hand up. “I’m just going to go lay down for a few. Thank you, again.”
“Be sure to shake the bedsheets!” John called as she sulked down the hallway. King Shark followed, but had the good sense to enter a separate room from hers. “There might still be bugs in them!”
Crush sighed a heavy sigh, for she was starting to think that this place was going to make Gotham look luxurious.
That night, John ignored Ellie’s soft, nimble hands and her puckered lips.
“We have guests, Ellie,” he groaned softly into her ear, for they were still tangled up in each other under the bedsheets. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it’ll have to wait.”
“When did you become so prudish?” She twisted herself out of their twist and sat up on her knees. “It’s just an overgrown fish and a moody alien.”
“That moody alien is a moody teenage girl, Ellie. I don’t give a damn about the shark, but I feel weird–”
“John, you have sex with a demon every night. I think you’ve passed weird.”
John took a big breath of a sigh and brought himself up to look Ellie in the eyes. “Ellie, you’ve treated me like an annoyance all day. Why should I go out of my way to please you right now?”
“Because I’ll make you feel good too.” The invisible tongue of her pleasure started upon John’s neck, but he mentally swatted it away.
“The truth, Ellie. Something’s been bothering you.”
Her arms folded across her chest (not just to display annoyance, but also to accentuate her bosom), and she huffed and puffed in a way that the average mortal would incorrectly assume was improper for a demon.
“Ellie…”
“Fine.” Her face twisted up into something… crooked. “The other night, I was visited by a demon. Don’t get that look, we didn’t do anything. He summoned me to take part in the Revolution; apparently that Scapegoat guy really is amassing an unholy army to defeat the growing Divine army. And they want me in it, John. The want me in it.”
John tried not to draw back, tried not to show her he was scared. “What did you say, Ellie?”
Her face pinched. “That I’d think about it.”
“So you haven’t been on the outs with me because you’ve been regretting sending me to kill Negral?”
Hesitation betrayed her. “John, I –”
“Ellie… you’ve been doing so good, you’ve been acting like a real –”
“A real what, John?” she snapped. “What is it that you want me to be?”
His hands found hers, brought them closer to his chest. “The best possible version of yourself, Ellie. And how can you be that if you participate in the battle that might end the universe?”
“I’m a demon, John. Maybe it’s about time you get that through your skull.” Her voice was hard; she took her hands away, rolled off the bed, stood up. “I’m not chained to your mortal universe like you are.”
John followed her off the bed. “Are you sure about that, Ellie? Can you really mean that, now?”
When Ellie finally did speak, it was accompanied by a single drop of brimstone rolling from her eye.
Crush had spent her first day in the motel basement falling in and out of sleep before allowing the tides of drowsiness to submerge her until the British sun rose the next morning. She readied herself in her room and sauntered into the storage-area-turned-living-quarters – she still had to ask John and Ellie why they were staying at the bottom of a motel – and found it deserted. No matter; she took out her phone (the Terran one she could only use on Earth) and caught up on all the trends that she’d missed while with L.E.G.I.O.N. or fighting crime in Gotham. She expected that social media would feed her relief, but really, it just made her feel useless.
She was ready to find a way out of the basement when a figure emerged from the east-bound hallway: John Constantine. He looked as shaggy as always, but there was something about him – maybe the gauntness of his face and twitch of his fingers – that made him seem even less put-together than usual. Crush attempted a smile at him, but his eyes passed over it vacantly.
“Where’s Ellie?” she found herself asking, thinking the name of his lover would brighten him up. “You said she makes a mean grilled cheese.”
John, who’d found the coffee pot, let his hands fall away from the machine and turned towards her, knife-marks in his eyes. “She’s not going to be here for the foreseeable future.”
“Oh.” Crush cursed herself for bringing her up and cursed herself doubly when she realized that her mouth was asking, without her permission, “Why?”
“She had… other matters to attend to. A war to wage that I cannot be a part of.”
“Okay.” Crush vaguely wondered if this had to do with Beelzebub and the fact that her father had pissed someone off enough to try and kill his daughter. The idea of her father getting wrapped up with religious factions should’ve been comical, but she just couldn’t bring herself to laugh. “When am I –”
“You’re not getting out,” John said shortly, throatily. “Not until the Revolution’s been fought.”
“The Revolution?”
John, who had turned his back towards Crush and his trunk towards the coffee pot, now whirled around and barred his teeth. “The cataclysmic battle between Heaven and Hell that your father’s old friend has been planning for longer than you can fathom, the battle that, if the demons win, could spell subjugation for everything born for the rest of eternity! So, yes, we are staying inside my bubble!”
Crush had not been prepared for such a brutish, outright, emotional assault. It was more of a shrapnel-stuffed grenade than a tactical missile, in all honesty, but it was still frightening. She had the fortitude not to twitch, but on the inside, she squirmed.
“Sounds like the type of thing that we fight, then. Save the universe and all.”
Crush saw fire in John’s eyes; the fact that fire, so symbolically red, turns blue when hot enough explained why Crush could not make out the sheen over his irises and coronas.
“I have the place locked down with magic,” John said tightly. “Here we stay.” He snatched the coffee machine, unplugged it from the wall, and tore off to his room amid his billowing trench coat. Crush looked after him, wistful for something unknown, and sighed.
Eventually King Shark came out, helped himself to some of the popsicles in the freezer, lamented the lack of fish in the fridge to the best of his limited vocabulary’s ability, and sat next to Crush. She was bored of social media and sought to teach King Shark cards instead. The cribbage board proved too complex, as did any form of trick-taking game or even solitaire, but he was able to learn Go Fish quite well – as soon as he realized that one wasn’t supposed to eat the cards, despite the game’s name.
John darted in and out of the general living quarters for several days. Crush could never establish a conversation with him. She looked for any sign of spiritual warfare, but besides the tame terrorism and do-gooding of everyday life, couldn’t find anything.
One time, when he was grabbing a beer, King Shark asked about Ellie too. John gave him the same scarred look he’d showed Crush – although not as cutting as that one – and said, “That’s up to her, now. We can simply wish her the best.”
It wasn’t until the fifth or sixth day – Crush was losing track of time with only Go Fish to mark its passage by – that Crush was able to start a real conversation with him.
“Can you let me use my interstellar phone?” she repeated several times when he was grabbing a bottle of beer from the fridge. “I need to tell the team at L.E.G.I.O.N. that I’m okay.”
“You’ll tell them where you are, or that the Revolution is coming. That isn’t okay.”
Crush moved her hulking frame in between him and the hall to his room. “Why not? Don’t you want something to do something about it?”
John shrugged. “I’ve been doing things for a lotta years, sister.” He was mildly intoxicated. “Time to take myself out of the mix.”
“Ellie’s up there, isn’t she?” It was a bold assertion on Crush’s part. “And she’s on the other side. And you don’t want to fight her.” Nothing on his face, just alcohol-carved stone. “You don’t have to, Mr. Constantine, but you have to let me out.”
“And me,” grunted King Shark from somewhere behind them.
“And the King,” amended Crush.
For a moment she thought John would break, but then she found herself flying ass-over-teakettle and saw John stepping over her and into his room.
She and King Shark numbly discussed breakout plans, but she didn’t know the first thing about magical charms, and even if he did, he probably wouldn’t have been able to communicate it.
It was a surprise when, on the seventh morning, she woke up blinking the sun’s rays away.
“I didn’t think I had a window…” she grumbled sleepily before she pulled herself up and pulled herself into consciousness. “We’re outside!” She and King Shark really were deposited on the lawn of the motel.
John stood over them, neither smiling nor glowering. “I’m guessing you have a ship somewhere?” Crush nodded. “Safe travels. I won’t be able to transport you again. It’s a rather limited power, but it’s also a long story.”
Crush kept nodding as if she understood. “My ship seats three.”
“Then you two will have room to pick someone up along the way.” Now he smiled, but it was a sad one.
“Why are you doing this, John?” asked Crush, now standing and staring into his eyes. “Refusing the battle, I mean.”
“Because… I might love her, Crush,” he said. “And frankly, I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve loved people before, but no one else is like her. I… it’s easier this way. I’m more of a screw-up than I let on, Crush, and you don’t want me screwing you and your father and whoever else you freaks accumulate up. No feelings.”
Once again, Crush nodded as if she meant it. “No hard feelings. Goodbye, John.”
“Bye, Crush. Tell your father I said hi.”
“I will.” Crush started walking then, not letting herself look back. King Shark followed obediently, although he did look back. He looked all over. Crush found his curiosity somewhat amusing, and idly wondered how he’d do in space, and how he’d do when fighting the hordes of demons that surely laid in their path…
NEXT TIME: The epic four-part “Lobo the Czarian” begins. We shift our perspective back to our favorite damned bounty hunter as he prepares himself for the battle of a lifetime and grapples with the realization that his lifelong friend and mentor Scapegoat had groomed him to be a tool of demonic destruction for his whole life. The next five months will be wild ride, folks, so buckle up! Thank you all for making it this far into not only this issue but this series, and if you only started reading Lobo midway through its run, I’d recommend going back through all of the earlier issues before reading “Lobo the Czarian” because it’s going to be a bit of a victory lap over all of this bounty hunter’s lore and what-have-you. See you all next month, and till then, stay safe and keep on readin’.

This will probably get down voted to hell because I feel the capability of critical thought is dwindling around here. FWIW, I'm an SF native and now live in EB. Both bayarea and sanfrancisco are in a sad state, filled with anger, fear mongering, and the same tactics news orgs use to keep people watching and afraid.
Honestly, I'm just sick of it. I know crime, mental health, drug use, and homelessness are real issues but I'm sick of how the discussions are being handled. I get it, people are emotional. But emotions cloud reality and fact and instead focus on bandaid solutions.
"Violent crime is down" "Oh but crime is even more underreported now!" "Social media makes it seem like crime is higher" "Police are violent criminals themselves and can't be trusted" "Police are understaffed and we need more stationed everywhere on every corner!"
Like holy shit I'm just tired of reading the same arguments over and over again. In the end of the day, it doesn't fucking matter - the root cause of the issue is clear. It's not a lack of police. It's greed and wealth inequality, and a system that was built on exploitation. This was bound to happen and we're acting as though increasing police budgets is going to somehow reverse this trend. Without better education, after school programs, mental health services, legalization of drugs and supervised injection sites, affordable living, and livable wages, we are simply fucked. Yet no one on these subs, nextdoor, the news, politicians, etc. are talking about it and instead throwing the same old solutions that don't work back into the mix. I feel like all anyone wants to see is more police on every corner, and everyone thrown in jail and bam problems solved. That's not the reality and it never was. We just keep doing the same shit, expecting different results.
I'm also tired of all the fake progressivism in the bay. Most of these so called "progressive" politicians aren't truly progressive. They're all frauds and giving progressives a bad name. So don't be turned off by progressive politics because of these people. We've gone down the "hard on crime" route before and we overcrowded our prisons and sentenced people for years over weed crimes. Without any rehab programs to actually help people with their mental health, drug addiction, and integrate them back into society after prison, these people are released and often resort to crime again. I hope we don't turn more and more red because of this, but these subs are not making me hopeful.

Mixed vibrations from SP from gym. Never have spoke to him, but see him almost everyday.
Some days I leave the gym feeling so giddy from our interactions (catching him looking at me, smiles, etc.) but other days we dont have those little interactions. Usually its because we're at opposite ends of the gym, but I find myself getting upset that he doesn't make the effort to come be near me... I used to script and I let go for a while, but I find myself thinking and desiring him more recently... any advice? I want to focus more on those good days that I have with him and there's no doubt that I am thankful for those. But I'm getting greedy maybe... I want more haha.

Since this sub was so helpful in planning, I wanted to share my itinerary and trip report! We had an incredible first time in Japan and I can't wait to go back.
Couldn't fit our (very detailed) itinerary in this post, but if you'd like to download it's here.
And our shareable Google map is here.
About us:

• We’re New Yorkers in our 30s who have been planning this trip for about 6 months.
• My bf has been learning Japanese for about a year, and I’ve been learning for about 5 months (a mix of Pimsleur and Duolingo).
• Boyfriend is into history and baseball, I'm into skincare and nature, but we’re both big on food so that was our number one priority.
• He has a peanut allergy and avoids all nuts. He learned to say that in Japanese (私はピーナッツアレルギーがあります - "Watashi wa piinattsu arerugī ga arimasu”), and every restaurant and hotel was understanding and careful. Luckily most cuisine is nut-free anyway, but we managed not to have any close calls in 2 weeks which is amazing.

Some overall learnings:

• If I were planning this trip again, I think I would skip Kanazawa. It was a lovely town and the food was amazing, but we wished we had spent that time with a night or two in Osaka instead of just making it a day trip from Kyoto.
• Even if you’re not a baseball fan, Japanese baseball games are so much fun. I’ve never experienced anything like it.
• I packed a suitcase and brought a fold-up duffel bag, and halfway through the trip I moved my clothes to the duffel and just used the suitcase for souvenirs. It was a great idea but we ended up buying an extra suitcase at Donki our last day anyway.
• We both felt a bit underdressed compared to locals, especially in Tokyo. I wish I’d packed more dresses, skirts and trousers and fewer jeans and tees - the only people I saw wearing sweats, athletic wear or cutoffs were other tourists. Obviously you can wear what you want, just be aware you’ll stick out! Also, women are generally more covered up, even on warmer days, to protect their skin from the sun.
• If you go clothes shopping, take your shoes off in dressing rooms. I made a right fool of myself.
• Clothes sizing is wildly different in Japan. Know your cm measurements! Your size here may be hurtful to your ego.
• People line up to get on the train (check the ground for a guide of where to stand) and let everyone off before they get on. This seems obvious, but I’ve been living in New York so long that I wanted to weep tears of joy every time.
• If you’re new to sitting showers: there are two buttons. One is to fill up a bowl of water, and the other is to turn on the handheld shower head. Both automatically turn off a minute after you turn them on, but you can also turn them off manually. You sit on the little stool and there’s usually a mirror in front of you, which is… a humbling experience. There are usually also scrubbing washcloths.
• The worst train station toilet was still nicer than a goddamn Nordstrom bathroom. It was a pleasure to have IBS in Japan.
• At many European and American historical sites, you pay a hefty flat fee to see everything. In Japan, you can usually get into the temple grounds for free, then pay for each individual building you go into. Most were 400-700y/person, which felt really reasonable.
• We came at an almost perfect time (mid-May) weather-wise. Most days it was clear or sunny with a high in the mid-seventies. We definitely got some rain, but less than we were expecting (maybe 3-4 rainy days and 5-6 rainy nights).

Hotel Reviews:
Tokyu Stay Shinjuku Eastside (Tokyo): This was a great basic hotel, close to plenty of transportation and right on the edge of Kabukicho. The buffet breakfast was the highlight - a great mix of Western and Japanese breakfast options, including a great miso soup. Hakone Airu (Hakone): Mixed review here. On the one hand, the in-room onsen and public onsen were both wonderful, and the service was extraordinary. On the other hand, the mix of Balinese and Japanese didn’t quite work, and dinner and breakfast were more confusing than enjoyable. Hotel Alza (Kyoto): By far our favorite stay. I can’t recommend this place enough, and it was definitely worth paying a little extra. They brought us an amazing bento breakfast in our rooms every morning, they had every amenity we could need (they even re-upped the free sheet masks every day), and the micro-bubble bath at the end of a long day of walking was amazing. Koyasan Syukubo Ekoin Temple (Mt Koya): This was a great temple experience. Koyasan in general is obviously pretty tourist-y, but Eko-in still made it feel authentic, and dinner and breakfast were both amazing. Your stay includes a meditation class, morning prayers and a morning fire ritual, and you can pay to attend a cemetery tour, all of which were great. Utaimachi (Kanazawa): We were only here for two nights, but this place was pretty good. Very close to the Higashi Chaya area, where we didn’t actually end up spending much time. Always love tatami mat flooring, and the washedryer was a nice bonus, but we were also right next to the lobby and right under another room so there was some noise. The Gate Asakusa (Tokyo): A great and very Westernized hotel with amazing views of Shinso-ji and the surrounding area. It’s on the top floors of a building right in the middle of all things Asakusa, but is still pretty quiet. And has a wonderful, deep soaking tub with free bath salts.

Tuesday: Arrival, Shinjuku

1 PM: Arrival at Haneda
We got customs and immigration forms to fill out on the plane and everything went fairly quickly. Picked up some cash and Suica cards, went to see about taking the Airport Limousine bus ($10/each) but we should have booked in advance because there wasn’t one for another hour. We ended up taking a taxi (about $50) to our hotel in Shinjuku.
4 PM: Arrival at hotel - Tokyu Stay Shinjuku East Side
We dropped our luggage and went to a nearby eel restaurant, Shinjuku Unatetsu. The eel was incredible and not too filling. Wandered Kabuki-cho for a bit, I dragged my bf through all 4 floors of Don Quijote (I had a list of beauty items to pick up), then rested at the hotel.
7 PM: Dinner in Shinjuku (Tsunahachi)
We went to Tsunahachi for dinner and got some amazing tempura (I wish we had sat at the bar to watch it being made!) and then crashed by 9 pm, because we are young and cool.

Wednesday: Harajuku, Meiji, and Shibuya

7 AM: Hotel breakfast
Up early for hotel breakfast, which has convinced bf to start making miso soup every morning.
9 AM: Shinjuku Station - Pick up JR Passes
We went to Shinjuku station to pick up our JR passes, then spent 30 minutes finding the place where we could get them before 10 AM. There was a long line (staff shortage) so we waited about an hour but we got them and headed to Harajuku.
11 AM: Meiji Shrine & Yoyogi Park
We walked to Meiji Shrine, stopping at the gardens along the way (well worth the 500y entrance fee, especially on a beautiful day). We were lucky to come across a wedding at the shrine. Then we walked around Yoyogi Park a bit.
1 PM: Lunch (Gyoza Lou)
Walked into Gyoza Lou and were seated right away. Incredible gyoza as well as beer and bean sprouts with meat sauce - maybe 10 bucks total for 2 people.
1:30 PM: Shopping/museums in Harajuku
We split up so I could do some shopping in vintage stores - Flamingo, TAGTAG and Kinji (my favorite), and bf could go to the Ota Memorial Museum for their Cats in Ukiyo-e exhibit (which he loved). I walked down Takeshita street to meet him and managed to get a green tea, strawberry and red bean paste crepe from Marion Crepes.
3 PM: Shibuya Scramble & Hachinko Statue
We grabbed the train to Shibuya, saw the scramble and the Hachinko statue, then entered the maze that is Tokyu Hands. I got some onsen powders for gifts and some more cosmetics. My boyfriend checked out the Bic camera store and I went to Gu, which is like the love child of Uniqlo and Primark. I immediately undid all the “light packing” I did with new clothes.
7 PM: Dinner Reservation - Shinjuku Kappu Nakajima
I got us a reservation a few months ago at Shinjuku Kappu Nakajima. It was probably one of the best meals of my life. The omakase came out to less than $100usd each, which felt like a steal.
9 PM: Golden Gai bar (Bar Araku)
We wandered Golden Gai and went into a bar where the entrance fee was waived for foreigners called Bar Araku. It was very small but had great vibes, highly recommend. I drank too much sake, which will be a theme.

Thursday: Shinjuku

4 AM: Earthquake
The phone alerts are insanely loud! We rushed down to the hotel lobby and the only other people there were fellow foreigners - apparently Japanese people at the hotel knew a 5.1 is okay to sleep through.
9 AM: Shinjuku Gyoen
We strolled around in the sun taking photos for about 3 hours. Today is a lot less planned than yesterday - I kind of wish I’d switched the itineraries after how long getting the JR Pass took. We did go to the fancy Starbucks, of course.
12 PM: Lunch (Kaiten Sushi Numazuto)
We tried to go to a nearby sushi place but it was full, so we walked up to Kaiten Sushi Numazuto. We were a little disappointed it wasn’t actually conveyor belt sushi (the conveyor belt was for show and you ordered from the staff). Stopped in Bic camera afterwards for a bit.
2 PM: Ninja Trick House
We tried to go to the Samurai museum but learned it closed a few weeks ago. A good excuse to go to the Ninja Trick House instead. You’re thinking: “Isn’t that place for children?” Yes. Yes it is. And we loved every minute. I now have a camera roll full of myself being terrible at throwing stars. The dream.
3 PM: Don Quijote
More Don Quijote, mostly to get out of the rain. Got my last few beauty products I really wanted and a few souvenirs. An overstimulating heaven.
6 PM: 3-hour Shinjuku Foodie Tour
We signed up for a 3-hour “foodie tour” of Shinjuku that stopped at a sushi place, a Japanese bbq spot with insane wagyu beef, and a sake tasting spot. It was great, and we loved our guide, but wished it had stopped at a few more spots to try more things.
9 PM: Walk around Shinjuku
We attempted to play pachinko, got very confused and lost $7. Tourism!

Friday: Hakone

7 AM: Set up luggage forwarding to Kyoto with hotel
Luggage forwarding is brilliant. We did it twice and it went so smoothly, for about $10 USD per bag. Highly recommend.
9 AM: Transit to Hakone
We got to experience Japanese transit at rush hour. I can’t believe I have to go back to the MTA after this. We took the subway to Tokyo station and then the Shinkansen to Odawara, then a train to Hakone-Yumoto. The hotel was only a 20-minute walk away, so we decided to take a more scenic route - which turned out to be a forest hike straight up switchbacks most of the way.
11 AM: Lunch in Hakone (Hatsuhana)
We stopped in a soba place called Hatsuhana with a system of writing your name down and waiting outside to be called in. They skipped our names because they weren’t in Japanese, but let us in when they realized their mistake. The soba was made and served by old aunties so of course it was insanely good and well worth it.
1 PM: Hakone Open Air Museum
We took the train down to the Hakone Open Air Museum, which lived up to the hype. I’m not normally into sculpture, but seeing it in nature, and the way the museum is laid out, made it incredible. And obviously the Picasso exhibit was amazing.
3 PM: Owakudani, Pirate Ship, Hakone Checkpoint
We took the train to the cable car to Owakudani, then the ropeway to Togendai, then the pirate ship ferry to Motohakone. We were running behind so unfortunately had to rush through the Hakone Checkpoint, which was empty but very cool.
6 PM: Dinner at hotel
Back to our hotel for our kaiseki meal. The staff spoke very little English and Google struggled with the menu, so we had no idea what we were eating half the time, but overall it was pretty good.
9 PM: Onsen time
Experienced my first public onsen, followed by the private onsen in our room. The tatami sleep did wonders for my back.

Saturday: Travel to Kyoto, Philosopher’s Path, Gion

8 AM: Breakfast, travel to Kyoto
Took the train to Odawara and then the Shinkansen to Kyoto station. We booked all of our Shinkansen seats about a week in advance but you can also book them on the day, I believe.
1 PM: Lunch in Gion
Our Kyoto hotel let us check in early, and then we went looking for lunch. Quickly learned that most every place in the Gion area has a line outside and closes at 2! We eventually found a tiny spot with insanely good ramen. It also had chicken sashimi on the menu but we weren’t brave enough.
2 PM: Philosopher’s Path, Ginkaku-ji
We took a bus over to the Philosopher’s Path, which was not busy at all because of the rain. It was pretty, and I could see how great it would look in cherry blossom season. We had to kind of rush to Ginkaku-ji, which was gorgeous nonetheless.
4 PM: Honen-in, Nanzen-ji
Stopped by Honen-in (which we had completely to ourselves, thanks rain!) and then Nanzen-ji. My bf is a big history guy and he went feral for the Hojo rock garden. It was very pretty and I’d love to see it in better weather.
6 PM: Food Tour of Gion & Pontocho
This food tour stopped at two places (an izakaya and a standing bar) with a walking tour of Gion and Pontocho in between. We also stopped at Yasaka shrine and caught a rehearsal of a traditional Japanese performance.
10 PM: Pain
My feet hurt so bad. Bring waterproof shoes, but make sure they don’t have 5 year old insoles. I tried some stick-on cooling acupuncture foot pads I picked up at Donki and they were bliss.

Sunday: Arashiyama, The Golden Pavilion and Tea Ceremony

8 AM: Arashiyama Bamboo Forest
The forecast was for heavy rain all day, but we lucked out and only got a few drizzles here and there. We headed to Arashiyama Bamboo Forest in the morning and it wasn’t too crowded. We did have an amazing bamboo dish at dinner last night so now bamboo makes me hungry.
10 AM: Tenryu-ji, Iwatayama Monkey Park
Headed over to Tenryu-ji, which was very nice but very crowded, and then to one of the things I looked forward to most on the trip, the Iwatayama Monkey Park. It’s a 20 minute hike up there but it is worth it. Oh my god. Getting to feed a baby monkey made my whole week.
12 PM: Lunch near Arashiyama (Udon Arashiyama-tei)
Headed back down to the main road and got duck udon at a little place called Udon Arashiyama-tei. I know I keep calling everything incredible but… yes.
1 PM: Ginkaku-ji
Ran into some bus issues (the first time we experienced anything public transit-wise not running as expected!) but eventually got over to Ginkaku-ji. It was also very crowded (seems like Japanese schools are big on field trips, which I’m jealous of) and not my favorite temple, but beautiful nonetheless.
3 PM: Daitoku-ji
We were ahead of schedule so we got to spend some time at our meeting place for the tea ceremony, Daitoku-ji. It ended up being our favorite temple, especially Daisen-in, a small and very quiet spot with a great self-guided tour. The monks showed us a section normally closed to non-Japanese tourists with beautiful calligraphy.
4 PM: Tea Ceremony (90 mins)
The tea ceremony we booked said it was in groups of up to ten, but it ended up being just us. It was very nice and relaxing, plus we got a little meal.
6 PM: Dinner (Gion Kappa), Pontocho Alley
We both nearly fell asleep on the bus back so we took it easy for the night. Went to an izakaya called Gion Kappa which had the best tuna belly we’d ever eaten, then did a quick walk around Pontocho Alley, got treats at 7-11 and went to bed early.

Monday: Fushimi Inari, Nishiki Market, Kyoto Imperial Palace (kinda)

9 AM: Fushimi Inari
Our plans to get up super early to beat the crowds to Fushimi Imari were hampered by the fact that we are no longer in our 20s. It was packed by the time we got there, and the amount of littering and defacing done by tourists was a bummer.
11 AM: Tofuku-ji
We had planned to go to the Imperial Palace at 10:30 for the Aoi Parade, but decided instead to get away from crowds by hiking from Fushimi Inari to Tofuku-ji, which was beautiful (I’d love to see it in the fall).
12 PM: Nishiki Market, lunch (Gyukatsu)
Grabbed lunch first at Gyukatsu (wagyu katsu - delicious) then wandered Nishiki a bit. It’s touristy, but fun.
2 PM: Kyoto Gyoen, Kyoto Handicraft Center
It was supposed to rain all day but ended up sunny, so we went back to the hotel to drop off our rain jackets and umbrellas. Stepped back outside and within ten minutes it was raining. We went to Kyoto Gyoen and saw the outside of the imperial palace; it was closed because of the parade earlier and half the garden was blocked off because the former emperor was visiting. Without the palace, Kyoto Gyoen is kind of meh. We walked over to Kyoto Handicraft Center which was also meh, but we picked up some nice lacquerware.
7:30 PM: Dinner at Roan Kiku Noi
We had a reservation at Roan Kiku Noi where we had maybe the best meal of our lives. Amazing that it only has two Michelin stars, honestly. Had fun trying to decipher the pain meds aisle at a Japanese pharmacy afterwards and then called it a night.

Tuesday: Day Trip to Nara

8 AM: Travel to Nara
We took the subway to the JR and were there in about an hour.
9 AM: Nara Deer Park
Two things about the Nara deer. One: if you bow to them, they bow back, and it’s very cute. And two, if you buy the 200y rice crackers to feed to them, do it somewhere where there aren’t very many of them. I got mobbed by like 15 deer and bitten 3 times. My fault for having skin approximately the shade of a rice cracker.
10 AM: Kofuku-ji, Nara National Museum
We saw Kofuku-ji and then the Nara National Museum, then stopped at a random little cafe for rice bowls with some kind of regional sauce (I can’t find it now!).
12 PM: Isetan Garden
We spent a long time finding the entrance to the Isetan garden only for it to be closed on Tuesdays.
2 PM: Giant Buddha
Saw Nandaimon Gate and the Daibutsu (giant Buddha), which are both every bit as enormous and glorious as advertised, as well as very crowded.
3 PM: Kasuga-taisha Shrine
Wandered over to Kasuga-taisha shrine, which is famous for its hundreds of lanterns and thousand-year-old trees. There’s a special inner area (paid) where you can see the lanterns lit up in the dark.
4 PM: Wait for the emperor
We got held up by a procession for, guess who, the former emperor again. Stalker.
5 PM: Nara shopping and snacks
Walked around Higashimuki Shopping Street and Mochiidono Shopping Arcade, bought a nice sake set and an amazing little hand-painted cat, ate some red bean paste pancakes and headed back to Kyoto.
7 PM: Dinner in Kyoto
Walked around Pontocho searching for dinner and landed on Yoshina, where we got even more kaiseki. Finished the night at Hello Dolly, a gorgeous jazz bar overlooking the river.

Wednesday: Day Trip to Osaka

7 AM: Depart hotel
Started by taking the subway to the JR. Took us about an hour altogether, though it would have been faster if we’d caught the express.
9 AM: Osaka Castle
We got to Osaka Castle in time for it to hit 85 degrees out. The outside of the castle is gorgeous, but the line to get in was long and I don’t know if the museum parts were worth the wait, especially with the crowds. The view from the top is nice, though.
12 PM: Okonomiyaki lunch (Abeton)
We went to an okonomiyaki spot in Avetica station called Abeton that was full of locals and absolutely bomb as hell.
1 PM: Shitteno-ji, Keitakuen Gardens
We headed to Shitteno-ji (our oldest temple yet) which was nice, though the climb to the top of then 5 story pagoda wasn’t worth the sweat. Then we walked over to Keitakuen Gardens, a small but gorgeous garden in Tennoji Park. Had a nice sit in the shade to digest and plan our next moves.
3 PM: Ebisuhigasbi, Mega Don Quijote
I am a crazy person, so I had to go to the Mega Don Quijote. We walked around Ebisuhigasbi for a while first, and while I was buying gifts in Donki, my boyfriend entered a sushi challenge for westerners (which turned out to just be “can a white boy handle wasabi”) and won a bunch of random crap! Now we own Japanese furniture wipes.
5 PM: Dotonbori & America-mura
We took the Osaka Loop to the Dotonbori area, which was super crowded as expected. We walked around America-mura and enjoyed seeing what they think of us. There are great designer vintage clothing shops here if that’s your thing.
6 PM: Dinner (Jiyuken)
We tried to get into Koni Doraku, a crab restaurant, but they were booked up, so we went to a tiny spot called Jiyuken for curry instead. I would do things for this curry. It was the platonic ideal of curry. It was served by old Japanese aunties from a very old recipe, so we knew it was going to be good, but it exceeded our wildest expectations… for <1000y each.
7 PM: Return to Kyoto
My feet were feeling real bad (the Nikes may look cool but they cannot support 25k steps a day) so we headed back to Kyoto and packed for our early morning tomorrow.

Thursday: Travel to Koyasan, Temple Stay

8 AM: Bus from Kyoto to Koyasan
The transit from Kyoto to Mt Koya is complicated, so we ended up just booking a bus directly from Kyoto Station to Koyasan (which barely cost more than public transit!). We got there bright and early for the 3 hour trip - if you take a bus out of Kyoto Station I definitely recommend giving yourself extra time to navigate to the right bus.
11 AM: Arrive at Eko-in, lunch
We arrived in Mt Koya and checked in to our temple, Eko-in. The quiet and the beauty hit me hard and I fell asleep for a few hours. We got a nice lunch at Hanabishi in town.
4 PM: Meditation class, dinner
The temple offered a meditation class, which was lovely, followed by a vegan dinner in our rooms. I can’t explain how peaceful this place was.
7 PM: Okuno-in Cemetery
We signed up for a monk-led tour of Okuno-in, which was definitely worth it. Came back for some public baths and fell asleep to the sound of rainfall.

Friday: Travel to Kanazawa, Higashi Chaya District

7 AM: Service & ritual at Eko-in
The day started with a religious service and a fire ritual at the temple. Both were stunning. I did wish that my fellow tourists had been a bit more respectful by showing up on time and following directions, but luckily, no one has more patience than a Buddhist monk.
9 AM: Travel to Kanazawa
We took a taxi through some sketchy mountain roads to Gokurakubashi Station, took two trains to Osaka Station, and then the JR Thunderbird to Kanazawa.
1 PM: Arrive at Kanazawa, Lunch (Maimon)
We got into Kanazawa station and went straight for a sushi spot called Maimon, which was delicious. Struggled a bit with the bus system and eventually got to our hotel, Utaimachi.
4 PM: Higashi Chaya District
Wandered the Higashi Chaya district a bit. It seemed kind of dead, but maybe we are just used to the hustle and bustle of Tokyo/Kyoto.
7 PM: Korinbo, dinner (Uguisu)
Walked down to the Korinbo area southwest of the park and found a tiny ramen spot called Uguisu. Incredible. Some of the best broth I’ve ever tasted plus amazing sous vide meats.
9 PM: Bar in Korinbo (Kohaku)
Went to a little upstairs whiskey bar called Kohaku. Boyfriend got Japanese whiskey and they made me a custom cocktail with sake, pineapple and passion fruit that was just insane. They were very nice and talked baseball with us for a while.

Saturday: Omicho Market, Kanazawa Castle, 21st Century Museum

9 AM: Kenroku-en Garden
We walked over to Kenroku-en Gardens, which were as beautiful as advertised. I was hurting pretty bad (crampy ladies, just know Japanese OTC painkillers are much weaker than ours, BYO Advil) so we’re moving slowly today.
12 PM: Omicho Market, lunch (Iki-Iki Sushi)
Walked to Omicho Market and ate little bits from different stalls, then waited about an hour to get into Iki-Iki Sushi. It was worth it. Some of the best, freshest sushi of my life.
2 PM: Kanazawa Castle, 21st Century Museum of Contemporary Art
We walked around Kanazawa Castle a bit, then walked over to the 21st Century Museum of Contemporary Art. It was packed and the line to get tickets to the special exhibits was crazy, so we looked at the free ones and then headed back. Along the way we stopped in a few little stores and bought some handcrafted lacquerware from a local artist.
6 PM: Onnagawa Festival, dinner (Huni)
As we walked towards the restaurant, we came upon the Onnagawa Festival on the Plum Bridge, which included a beautiful dancing ceremony and lantern lighting. We went to Huni for dinner, our first “westernized Japanese” restaurant, and it was fantastic. 9 dishes served slowly over 3 hours at a table overlooking the river. Highly recommend if you’re in Kanazawa.
10 PM: Why does the bathtub have a phone
We went back to our hotel, struggled with the automated bathtub, and enjoyed our last night on tatami floors.

Sunday: Travel to Tokyo, Tokyo Giants Game, Ueno Park

7 AM: Travel to Tokyo
Grabbed a taxi we arranged the night before to Kanazawa Station - it would have been an easy bus journey but our number of bags has increased - and boarded the Shinkansen for Tokyo.
12 PM: Travel to Tokyo Dome and Tokyo Dome Park
Dropped our bags at our hotel in Asakusa, then headed for Tokyo Dome. We got there a little early to look around - there’s basically a full mall and food court and amusement park there. We grabbed some beers and some chicken katsu curry that was delicious.
2 PM: Tokyo Giants vs Chunichi Dragons
Japanese baseball games are so. much. fun. This was a random mid season game, and the stadium was full and people were amped. I’ve been to many American baseball games and never seen fans this excited. We also scored some fried cheese-wrapped hot dogs on a stick and a few more beers and had the time of our lives cheering for the Giants.
5 PM: Ueno Park
After trying and failing to find the jersey we were looking for, we walked to Ueno Park and looked around a bit. It was lovely, but we were exhausted and full of too many beers, so we headed back to Asakusa.
7 PM: Dinner in Asakusa
There was a festival all day around Shinso-ji and there were a ton of street vendors and day-drunk people when we arrived in the afternoon (as a native Louisianan, I approve) and it seemed like the partiers were going on into the night. We ducked into a restaurant for some buckwheat soba (never got the name, but it was only okay) and tucked in early.

Monday: Tsukiji Food Tour, Kapabashi Dougu, Akihabara

8 AM: 3-hour Tsukiji Food Tour + lunch
We started the day with a Tsukiji food tour, which ended up being my favorite food tour of the 3 by far. The guide was great, and we stopped by a dozen food stalls and sampled everything from mochi to fresh tuna to octopus cakes. We finished with lunch at Sushi Katsura, where our chef prepared everything in front of us.
12 PM: Imperial Palace, Don Quijote
We were planning to spend the afternoon exploring the Imperial Palace and Edo Castle Ruins, but it was hot and the palace was closed, so we walked to Taira no Masakado's Grave, then headed back to Asakusa for, you guessed it, Don Quijote. I did not intend for this trip to be “guess how many Don Quijotes I can visit” but here we are. We bought another suitcase and I filled it with food and gifts to bring home.
3 PM: Kappabashi Dougu
We walked Kappabashi Dougu and browsed kitchenwares while wishing we had a bigger kitchen, an unlimited budget and a way to get a hundred pounds of porcelain home in one piece.
6 PM: Akihabara dinner + games + drinks
We took the train to Akihabara, got dinner at Tsukada Nojo, then played games in a few arcades and ended the night at Game Bar A-button, which lets you play vintage handheld games while you drink.

Tuesday: Senso-ji, Flight

9 AM: Breakfast, Senso-ji
We got breakfast pancakes at Kohikan, then walked around Senso-ji and the surrounding shopping streets for a while.
12 PM: McDonald’s
Look, I couldn’t leave Japan without doing it, okay? I got the Teriyaki Chicken Burger (too sloppy and sweet) and bf got the Ebi Filet-O (he said it tasted exactly like a Filet-O-Fish). It was not great but I deserve that!
3 PM: Cab to the airport
I caught the flu on the flight home and have now been in bed for a week! Welcome back to America, baby.

Im about to pay off my current vehicle, 2016 jeep renegade and im itching to get rid of it. I’ve gotten a lot of feedback of “no car payment is better” but i honestly hate my current car. its been a headache and I want something more updated.
my current situation is carmax is offering 13k for my jeep. which is a fair amount. I was hopping to put that money down for a nicer SUV like the Volvo XC40. I found one near me 2020, for about $33K with about 26K miles on it. ive heard mixed reviews about it. im worried im “blinded” because i want a different vehicle so much. any advice if this a good vehicle? for reference im in my late twenties, no kids, or large pets. I commute about 10 miles to work everyday.

I know quitting your job as a cook usually simply comes with two weeks notice or a ragequit walkout, but for eleven months I worked at a new franchise that had such potential which was being squandered by the incompetence of upper management. I present the nearly 6000 word thesis I turned in on my last day. Locations and names have been changed to cartoon references. Brackets represent ambiguous information in place of specific details.
Krusty Krab Careers Jobs
Opening in [Month/Year], Krusty Krab (KK) Bikini Bottom is on its 4th kitchen manager in less than a year. Krusty Krab O-Town has recently let go its inaugural kitchen manager and sous chef. Almost no member of the Bikini Bottom opening management team remains employed by KK. There is a pattern developing where one must question both the choice of employee and the directive given to new franchises. These lingering issues I brought concerns about in the first weeks of opening but was disregarded at every turn despite my experience with festival traffic. As a result I decided this was not a place I wanted to advance, but with a good-enough paycheck I’d be a lowly grunt in the kitchen four days a week, at five days a week I would have quit or been fired over a public outburst long ago. If Krusty Krab alters course slightly while being true to the brand this could be a successful chain.
My unique employment history in brick and mortar restaurants, food trucks, pop up culinary concepts, trade shows/conventions, and the film industry make me an ideal candidate to be on the opening team for new KK locations. My outgoing nature and foresight are valuable assets. For example, on training week before opening when I was standing around idly without a task I took it upon myself to organize the disarray that was dry storage. Overhearing Krabs tell another manager where he wanted the cleaning products placed, I had a jumping off point and the organization I created nine months ago is still largely in place. Since returning from my vacation in early February I have made it my mission to keep the storage area organized because it was again starting to resemble a hoarder’s house rather than a commercial kitchen. This is now part of my weekly routines because every time I turn my back there is more product being placed haphazardly just anywhere with little regard. I also recently reorganized the walk-in cooler because of problematic stocking with items being placed on the same shelf or below raw proteins. I also simply put all the like products together such as cheeses or fruits that were scattered amongst several shelves. With recent overordering I cannot keep up with the organization of the walk in cooler. The pattern recognition of food types and even simple shapes appears to be lost on the Bikini Bottom crew. My daily reorganization of containers is proof of this. Most days I’ll take a few minutes to put all cylinders together, all cambros together in descending volume, all deep and shallow pans next to each other rather than intermixed. My decision to be a kitchen manager at age 19 from 2005 thru 2008 and rarely enter restaurant management since is very calculated.
With my prior knowledge of professional kitchens I was becoming Bikini Bottom’s resident nag to coworkers as I made note of health department violations on a daily basis. I stopped after being largely ignored for two weeks. My regular health department nags include; a battle with jackets and hats being placed only in the designated area (a designated area that did not exist until I created a place for personal items a in January by neatly organizing the dry storage area again), waiting until prepped items are cooled before a cover is placed on top, placement of raw seafood, open containers (very often sugar, flour, and pancake mix bags ripped open and left), and dirty dishes/containers placed back in rotation. The dirty dishes and containers in rotation with the clean ones are at an atrociously high number. I have given up on making the 4th fryer seafood allergy safe too. With the low volume of seafood allergy safe items Bikini Bottom should purchase smaller baskets to visually discourage cross contamination with the other fryers and baskets. My skills to organize the kitchen do not end with simply where to store products to meet minimal health department standards.
Half of the space in the Bikini Bottom kitchen is completely wasted on an ill-advised walkway to the dishpit. An intelligent design would place a second doorway directly to the dishpit connected to the bar or where the bathrooms reside. Numerous times during the opening week of KK Bikini Bottom I said, yelled, sang, and muttered that we have too many food items for the amount of space we have. Icus stated that there was more space than Bluffington. Is Bluffington intelligently designed? Because Bikini Bottom most certainly isn’t. So Bikini Bottom actually has less space even if there is more square footage. See the attached diagram for an intelligent design that could potentially house a menu of this size. Bikini Bottom forces a line design on this kitchen when an open concept is needed for this menu. It’s as if this floorplan was created by a person who had only ever seen one commercial kitchen previously and couldn’t think 4th dimensionally to understand the needs of the workers to smoothly serve customers.
There is not enough counter space for pizzas without getting off the line, the microwave is placed completely out of the way, the freezer’s curved design is a waste of potential counter space and a falling hazard for containers stored on top of it, the toaster is an overcomplicated and overexpensive piece of machinery that serves exactly one purpose when a flat top could be used to toast bread and other purposes like a quesadilla special, sautee was designed without an overhang for spices, the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter for seafood allergies, there are no Frialator fryers which I have worked with at every single kitchen job previously instead we got the cheap Vulcan model (is that logical), the cheap low boy in pantry that doesn’t drain excess water anywhere it’s just supposed to evaporate somehow but doesn’t, the grill and fryer should be placed next to each other (with a higher volume of crossover than other stations), the floors are flat instead on having a mild decline towards the drains (just look at the standing water residing behind the oven right now), in the dishpit the spraying area and the filled sinks are backwards of a logical dipshit, the ramp to the back door is on the wrong side, there is no refrigerated place downstairs to stage extra food for busy shifts (the beer cooler is once again used for such food items because of this massive oversight), the prep station is an afterthought and miniscule, the dishes on the line are difficult to grab for anyone under 5’11” and inaccessible for anyone under 5’6” (instead of putting them underneath tables that also give that desperately needed counterspace I spoke of), there is not enough space to store to-go containers or boats behind the line, expo is lacking a low boy for the numerous items that are supposed to be cold but are instead kept at room temperature all day long, no one in management thought about buying shelves until right before Bikini Bottom opened as a result the clean full sheets sat on the floor for days, we had only the exact amount of 1⁄6 pans for an absurd amount of time making it impossible to rotate and clean them when necessary (which is daily), we still struggle with 1/9 pan supply. And just when I thought I documented all the poor design choices possible I stumbled upon a person whose office holiday party was booked at KK Bikini Bottom. The deck space works just fine as a deck. It does not double well as a gathering space. The space is too long and narrow for parties, it promotes little splitoff groups rather than a coming together of a larger gathering. It may be advantageous to contact a social psychologist for help designing a private party space that promotes intermingling rather than enforcing small pockets to form. The reorganization of the physical kitchen isn’t all that screams for an overhaul.
There are six positions on the line at the Krusty Krab; expo, oven, grill, sautee, fryer, and pantry. But the pantry and fryer positions are forced together like a bad remix. Everyone who mainly works pantry deserves a $6 raise immediately because it is a station and a half. Both Icus and Krumm, while kitchen manager, kind of acknowledged the pantry is too big for one station without outright mentioning the lopsided distribution of work. I imagine in the only location where this works, Bluffington, a second person joins the pantry at noon because of the unreasonable amount of items one person is tasked with. Bikini Bottom only has one person in this position at all times, maybe modify it for one person? The excess of items on the pantry position largely resembles a position I would call “set-up” or “build” at a previous job that made sensible choices. This build position should have tostadas, tacos, butcher’s blocks, toast, salads, lettuce wrap set ups, and preparing plating for whichever station is most bogged down. I have absolutely lost my mind yelling about salads at least once a month, ranting that they do not belong on the fryer position because of how illogical it is that five salads are included on the mountain of other items the pantry has. I have always considered working in a kitchen a kind of dance, and the pantry station demands an unnecessarily convoluted dance to keep up with the demand. Without the salads, tostadas, and tacos the station is already the busiest. Do we really need to combine ballet and swing by including these extra awkward dance steps in this single station? For a kitchen designed this poorly I suppose it is. Again, see attached document for an intelligently designed kitchen that might be able to accommodate this menu. Unless Bikini Bottom is going to close for a month to fix the baffling floor plan design the menu is shouting to be reduced to 30-36 items.
The menu is too big. Krusty Krab is the jack of all foods, master of none. In general I believe individual locations should be allowed 18% omissions, and 18% unique items to this wildly unwieldy menu sitting around 50 food items including sides. The insistence on keeping menu items that don’t sell at Bikini Bottom because of Bluffington is mind boggling. Chicken tenders do not sell at Bikini Bottom. fried sushi does not sell at Bikini Bottom, not enough to justify their place on the line. I don’t care how well these items work in Bluffinton. They. Do. Not. Work. At. Bikini. Bottom. If the KK location in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean sells an incredible amount of live krill does that mean Bikini Bottom and O-Town must sell live krill too? Take the fried sushi off the menu. I had a complete meltdown about this during a Dimmadome service and my valid point was met with indifference. Replace the kid’s tenders with a kid’s fish sticks. We already have the tilapia fish sticks on the line for tacos. Or make the kid’s fish sticks cod. We cut cod to order for fish tacos in spite of health code violations because it is too rare of an order to make beforehand. Saffron in mashed potatoes? If you must. Why are green tomatoes only on the menu during lunch? Bikini Bottom throws away a sizable amount of spoiled green tomatoes each week. Have green tomatoes on the menu all day long or don’t have them at all. The smoked salmon could go on salads or a special taco to justify its place on the line. The corn pico’s place on the line is unjustified. It only goes on one item, tostadas, which are not particularly popular. If we had a taco salad we could throw the corn pico on there. We also have unreasonable waste from unusable taco shells, smash up those imperfect taco shells and throw them on said taco salad. But before we add salads, let's get rid of the pear and kale salads. The pears' position on the line are unjustified, if we threw them on a taco variation maybe their place on the Bikini Bottom line could be argued but for now they only go on a salad that isn’t particularly popular. The kale salad is an issue of space for a 4th green for salads is too much. The krusty salad is my most hated house salad of all time. And it comes down to the toast with goat cheese. This ancillary step of spreading goat cheese on a cracker is an unnecessary step for an overly complicated dance and should be part of the expo dance if expo wasn’t a shoddily designed afterthought lacking a low boy.
There are a plethora of squeeze bottles on the pantry station that have no place on the overloaded station. They belong to an expo station with a low boy to keep them cold. Pantry has an overwhelming ten squeeze bottles: chipotle crema, sweet chili vinaigrette, buffalo, korean bbq, ranch, caesar, wine vinaigrette, lemon vinaigrette, honey mustard, and lemon aioli. Only the first four are justified on an intelligently designed fryer section, the second four belong on the build station, the last two have no place anywhere but expo. With this extra space sautee could keep their bottles and two purees cold in the fryer's lowboy instead of leaving them at room temperature all day inviting a pathogen party. This theorized intelligently designed expo would have room to keep these four squeeze bottles and a double of every sauce chilled to pour them into ramekins, a move that is highly common in the expo dance. The fact that expo doesn’t have a double of all squeeze bottles is foolish. Expo has to bother an overloaded station to pour these side sauces instead.
How many gallons of basil aioli has Bikini Bottom thrown away in 11 months? Four aiolis in general is way too many and most go on a single item; basil aioli on the incredibly unpopular veggie burger, lemon aioli for calamari, sweet chili aioli for the BLT that is only served half of the day, and garlic aioli actually goes on two items…I believe. What a colossal waste of precious little space, lose two aiolis and then you can sing the logical song with me. Perhaps we can put garlic aioli and sweet chili vinaigrette on the BLT separately and accomplish the exact same thing the sweet chili aioli does. The wings too have unneeded complications. Having worked at a sports bar specializing in wings for the better part of a decade I find KK’s plating of wings to be overly pretentious. The carrots, celery, and blue cheese have lost function. Heffer Wolf always said no one eats the carrot/celery julienne with blue cheese. It’s a complete waste of all the ingredients because you’ve gone too far with the presentation. Wings aren’t fancy. Wings are supposed to have a small pool of sauce and be sloppy. It’s like a sloppy joe that’s not sloppy, an unsloppy joe is a failure to sloppy joes just as the KK presentation of wings is a disparagement to the dish. Ever since training week back in 2022 I have used a scale to give Bikini Bottom a passing or failing grade.
Chokey Chicken to Chum Bucket is the scale I use to judge efficiency and sanity at Bikini Bottom. Both establishments are upscale casual dining experiences in Capitol City in the same vein as KK. Chokey had high employee retention and relatively smooth openings for new locations. Chum Bucket’s employee turnover was high and every location opening was chaotic. Which one sounds closer to KK? Chokey Chicken was filled with chefs I respect including Chef Ren Hoek who remains a close friend to this day. Ren lost his lifelong passion for kitchen work after working management at Chum Bucket. He’s actually seeking work in Bikini Bottom. Call him up at [phone number], but KK will give him Nam’ flashbacks of why he chose driving for a living rather than cooking for five years. The pair of us together helming Bikini Bottom with the ability to omit and create 18% of the overloaded menu can bring success to this franchise. We have worked well numerous times in the past on various concepts in the past including creating The Attack of the Pickled Tomatoes Burger for [Promotional live performance of a TV show] at the Capitol City Theater. We served 100 people in 60 at the [sitcom filming] lunch. That’s physically impossible but somehow we did it quite a few times.
A fun anecdote about Ren Hoek’s KK experience from the soft launch; on training week numerous times I brought concerns about being seafood allergy safe that were dismissed. As mentioned earlier the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter, one each of which seafood never touches. Before the soft launch Chef Stimpy from Bluffington insisted all customers just kind of know everything is prone to be seafood contaminated. Well, chef Ren was a customer that night and this absolutely was not communicated to customers. He claimed to have a slight seafood allergy and was not informed of what the crab soup was. In reality he does not have a seafood allergy. I didn’t discuss the seafood issue with Ren, separately we noticed egregious violations of food safety standards and we each responded in our own way. The soft launch service was so awful that night Chef Ren walked out of a free meal to pay for some ramen, never to return to Bikini Bottom. I attribute this oversight, and many of Bikini Bottom’s (and probably O-Town’s) problems to hubris over the Bluffington location.
Chef Chokey would also be hesitant to join the KK team. It will cost a finder’s fee just for me to reveal Chef Chokey’s name. Chef Chokey was a lead in the rapid expansion of Chokey Chicken restaurants. He opened numerous restaurants and was big on the philosophy that each restaurant must have its own personality in order to fit the unique local culture and the variety of working spaces. This is in direct conflict with the KK way that everything must be exactly like the Bluffington location no matter what. There was only one Chokey Chicken location that had the full menu, Chokey Springfield. Chokey Springfield had a large space which was intelligently designed to accommodate such a large menu. The KK menu is all over the place, closing in on 50 menu items which comes up as a failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale. This is not the only area KK comes up as a major failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale.
Has anyone in this company ever worked festival traffic before? Does anyone have the experience of working next to a major venue with 8000 seats before this one? The way Bikini Bottom handles Dimmadome services it certainly appears that the decision-makers fall on the wrong side of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Having all 50 items available during such massive traffic is completely asinine. An unwillingness to serve a partial menu is hindering the Bikini Bottom kitchen staff. I have worked festival traffic before, and Dimmadome events bring in festival traffic. I’ve worked inside a festival whose line never ended but every customer got their order in 5 minutes or less because the line kept flowing with only four items on the menu as that’s what was warranted at the B-Sharps Music Festival. I refuse to be set up for failure the way Bikini Bottom sets up Dimmadome services for failure. The entire week of concerts in [summer] 2022 I was set up for failure every day (it was after this I modified my availability to keep my sanity and my paycheck). When I brought my concerns about running efficiently during Dimmadome services I was labeled a B-worker for the first time in my employment history by Icus and Krabs. It is that moment which I was either going to holler at them both for being 2-dimensional thinkers who were obviously unqualified for the positions they accepted in this company, or just put my head down. If Bikini Bottom has a successful concert day service, hail your team because they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. They swam with concrete shoes. I often wonder how many customers had bad experiences and never returned after concert days. A Dimmadome service should have no more than 25 items and have one or two specials to divert traffic towards an area the kitchen can keep moving. An Open Cup Open Plate (OCOP) special for foot traffic is absolutely needed. When I suggested OCOP special, Heffer was intrigued by this idea and immediately named burgers as the special to keep foot traffic flowing. Smithers wouldn’t hear this idea, babbling on about what’s advertised instead of hearing out a sound idea. This prattle despite radio commercials having inaccurate hours and social media promoting Bikini Bottom’s steak tacos to this day. I always found Smithers to be a better fit as a middle management office pencil pusher than as a hands-on restaurant manager. Overall I find KK managers are selected to be automatons not to question their orders rather than critical thinkers who could take the restaurant to the next level. During brunch service is another period of time that must be modified to lessen the heft of items. Having a full menu that barely works plus brunch is so deep into Chum Bucket territory, in my opinion we now have to use the Tropic Thunder scale of full [R-word censored by jobs] to describe a 60-plus-item brunch. Chef Ren hired back a Chum Bucket cook who had a mental breakdown and stormed out during brunch (plus full menu) service because Ren knew the employee was justified and upper management was completely unreasonable in their brunch requests. It’s not just questionable decisions that hinder KK staff but improper equipment as well.
This is the first restaurant I have worked at which uses a touch screen on the line rather than tickets. From day one I found this to be technology for technology’s sake inferior to tickets. Chef Ren forced a new Chum Bucket location to rip out touch screens from the line and bring in ticket printers because of the higher efficiency. The touch screen is a great idea for expo, not the entire line. My biggest gripe is that each station does not get all the information. Early on I was regularly yelled at for not staggering my items, well I can’t see the rest of the order; a problem I have never had with a ticket system. Touchscreen software is also much more prone to errors and glitches. When I reported an error during a heavy service Icus and Krabs blamed my skills on the line without looking into the malfunctioning screen further. It was glitchy for weeks before the two finally investigated and corrected the issue I brought to their attention long before. Those two gave me an immense amount of ammunition to dislike them in the opening weeks until I stopped caring. The issue I had with being unable to scroll beyond the bottom of a completely filled screen has returned and is still there as of [my last day]. There are also important details that get buried. A frequent meltdown I have is that sauce on side requests and other important modifications are not capitalized or in red to catch the eye as they have been at jobs with tickets. These details get lost on Bikini Bottom’s touchscreens. A sauce on side salad made by me will be wrong 50% of the time because of the instructions being camouflaged in a word salad. This goes for coleslaw on the side and drizzle on the side too. Drizzle in general I dislike because of the pretentiousness, but whatever, drizzle it on top rather than putting it in a ramekin if you must. There are numerous places where Bikini Bottom overcomplicates matters for reasons I cannot ascertain.
Why is there such a large variety of plates? Why do we have a medium circular plate for salads and a large bowl for salads with protein? This just confuses the simplest of matters. I was told this is done because of the high price hike with protein, a larger presentation was desired. But that price hike is the price of protein in 2023. Bikini Bottom should put all salads in the large bowls and use all the circular salad plates in a skeet shooting promotion. I understand why we have both a circular platter plate and a pizza plate but in my restaurant the circular platter plates must go...or maybe the large platter plate instead. Is the large platter used for anything besides fish and chips? That extra space on fish and chips plates are only used for side sauces which can easily be delivered to customers on small circular plates. What is the medium oval plate doing that the medium rectangular plate isn’t? And vice versa. Why do they both exist when they are approximately the same size? Let me write an internet commercial where we break a lot of plates so we can get some logical use out of the superfluous plates. I don’t care which one is destroyed, the ovals or the rectangles but one of them is an unnecessary redundancy in excess done again. Speaking of commercials, the unimaginative radio advertisements for Bikini Bottom are doing little to lure new customers to the restaurant.
The three radio spots I have heard on KBBL all sound like they were produced by a marketing 101 student who wasn’t a natural in the field. The voiceover actor was so uncharismatic I was certain someone from the office was chosen at random to read the copy. Then I heard that same voiceover actor selling pool supplies on another radio station so I concluded that Bikini Bottom must have hired the cheapest guy in town to produce the most basic of commercials. Perhaps there is someone else you could hire more qualified to voiceover these commercials, an actor with experience on an Emmy award winning cable program whose unique place in the film industry was written about on [website] would be a much wiser choice to be the voice of the KK? (See external link). In the ad there was no catchphrase, no jingle, no music whatsoever. This simple approach to commercials lacks the pizazz to catch the attention of radio listeners. The first two commercials I heard would get a C in marketing 101 as they were nearly the exact same and accomplished the bare minimum to sell wares, the third one would maybe get a B- because there was some sort of attempted gimmick with the voiceover whispering to represent thinking inside his head about what he was going to eat later at KK. Not only does this commercial give no reason for the man to think inside his head, the outside world still and unpopulated. To see what a creative person would do with this concept see the attached script. There is an attempted slogan that could become part of an ad campaign. Commercials aren’t the only lost opportunities in promotions.
There are numerous promotional celebrity tie-ins at Bikini Bottom’s fingertips with Dimmadome performers. The restaurant could have a Phish sandwich as a OCOP special on [Phish performance dates], or a pretentious Jelly Roll on [Jelly Roll performance date]. Has anyone reached out to the Dimmadome theater or talent management for approved special menu items to be promoted inside the dome? Perhaps a special 20% discount to ticket holders? Is Bikini Bottom capable of getting permits to extend Open Container hours beyond [cutoff time] for an afterparty or block party throughout a Dimmadome concert? I see additional marketing opportunities left on the table for all new locations.
I believe new KK locations are missing out on a marketing campaign by opening with the entire cumbersome 50 item menu. This is a staggering amount of menu items which is too much to ask new staffers to perfect all at once. After a few months expanding the menu by approximately ten items is catching to customers who haven’t returned after a single visit or infrequently stop into KK. There are ten new food items that might appeal to them. Just like it appears KK doesn’t know what it’s looking for in a good commercial spot, this company doesn’t appear to recognize a talented from an untalented worker until it’s too late.
It is my understanding that KK had a headhunter to find Icus, the first Bikini Bottom kitchen manager. If it were up to me I’d hire someone to break the legs of that headhunter for bringing in a subpar kitchen lead. We are still attempting to recover from the lousy choices she made in the floor plan. If anybody responsible for Bikini Bottom’s floor plan is still giving input, stop them immediately. Once the doors were open to the public Icus had his head in the clouds to a point where I questioned if he saw the writing on the walls of an imminent demotion and stopped trying as a result. I had a full deck of 3x5 cards in an archaic powerpoint presentation bringing numerous concerns to light that he kept putting off listening to until he was fired. Those same cards were broken out for this essay. The second kitchen manager, Krumm, is a good lesson in honesty. According to Heffer, Krumm was given a bill of goods about how smoothly KK Bikini Bottom was running. Since Krumm stepped into a latrine pit which he was led to believe was a heated pool, he left in short time. Krumm also had plans to modify the menu but when his bosses told him to be a rodeo clown rather than a cowboy Krumm didn’t take too kindly to that. Meanwhile Heffer was the savior of the Bikini Bottom kitchen. I didn’t agree with every single decision he made, but I did with a majority of them. Heffer’s overhaul was such a blessing so I didn’t have to fiddle with the organization of 60% of the equipment anymore, only about 20% now. Too bad Heffer’s crippling depression came back after bashing his head into the wall out of frustration with the shackles KK restrained him with.
The current management team is enthusiastic but inexperienced. I see an accumulation of small infractions that might bring down Bikini Bottom’s health department rating significantly. I see the entire management team being inattentive or unaware about organizational issues. Whatever bureaucratic nonsense corporate tasks everyone with from the original sous chef Skeeter to Patty Mayonnaise that makes them walk away from the line between 11am and 1pm especially is infuriating. I have never been left alone on a multi-person line during peak hours so regularly, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. As much as I believe in his drive, I imagine our current kitchen manager SpongeBob will be let go after a disastrous service during the Dimmadome concert season that someone has to take the fall for. Chef Ren and I could help bring experience in management and dealing with festival traffic...if corporate does not force us to follow a failing strategy.
After working nearly a year at KK you may ask why I’m not proficient on more than one station. Excellent question. First, when I move over to another station the squeeze bottles are never labeled (until Stu Pickles was hired, now they’re sometimes labeled), so I always looked at the glut of unlabeled sauces and I’d go back to my station because the basic information is missing (also a health department violation for having numerous unlabeled, unchilled bottles). In his first week the new general manager Stu Pickles pulled out 90% of the containers under the grill station because they were lacking labels despite an expected health department visit. The second reason for my menu ignorance is the mountain of prep for my own and upcoming shifts I have piled up on my station throughout service. My attention to detail appears to be next level with my ability to anticipate stocking all items for all shifts including the weeknd. The third reason I wouldn’t learn multiple stations is a defense against the afternoon conference calls. In [month] the Bikini Bottom line was unprepared for a busy post lunch because one cook was cut and our expo person was busy with a conference call. The two of us remaining on the line had a miserable slog through an unexpectedly busy afternoon. When I brought this up to Krabs he disregarded me, being a good bean counter he quoted the cost percentage. What he didn’t take into account was the missing expo person who could have jumped on the line and expo to help the understaffed two man team. That person was stuck on a conference call. Just recently I saw the company actively lose money because of this poorly thought-out meeting during business hours. A customer wanted to order a dessert that was 86ed but had been restocked by our prep cook an hour before. The server was unable to sell them their dessert because the only person in the building who could help un-86 an item was on a conference call. This conference call calamity is another bone-headed choice that speaks to a larger decision-making problem within the corporate structure. Finish the conference calls by 10:45 am eastern.
In conclusion, I quit my position as a lowly grunt for this company because of its unwarranted perplexing dance steps and below average management. I don’t care how much varnish and lacquer is supplied, I refuse to polish this Bikini Bottom turd as a manager or full-time employee under the current circumstances. You would have to take a pickaxe to the floor, possibly relocate the bathrooms to add a door to the dishpit, get rid of the cheap low boy that doesn’t properly drain excess water, and Mr Gorbachov knock down that wall in the middle of the kitchen to give the proper amount of space to work. Or simply reduce the menu to 36 items (including sides) because that’s the amount of space this dreadful design can comfortably output. Would Gordon Ramsay compliment KK for all the unnecessary convoluted complications abound, or would Chef Ramsay yell about keeping it simple and demand KK chuck it in the flip? Thanks to the numerous pop up restaurants I have been a part of and the hectic world of trade shows/conventions, I may have more experience than anyone else employed by KK in smoothly opening a new location. I would enjoy being part of the opening team to ensure new locations have an efficiency Bikini Bottom lacks, and to keep upper management away from their worst instincts. Work with me and Chef Ren and we will help you become a well oiled machine like Chokey Chicken instead of the Chum Bucket cesspit Bikini Bottom currently embodies.

Hi, I'm writing in on one of the most petty conflicts i've been involved in. So my (20 F)s boyfriend (20 M) had a birthday party a week ago. The theme was ugly t-shirts. Most people turned up with really stupid shirts and it was a lot of fun seeing all of the shirts that had been stuffed deeply in to everyones closets that hadn't seen daylight for years. Some honorable mentions were "keep calm and keep flossing", "I shaved my balls for this?" and of course all of the emoji shirts that were trending in 2014.
So some backstory to my friends shirt: when we graduated highschool last year theres a tradition to where you sort of shower each other in beer. To not ruin everyones nice clothes (mainly suits and white dresses...) we as a class went to buy everyone a plain white tee which we then decorated with spray paint. The beershowers were in full flow and everyone STANK. Might be good to mention that we live in Europe and where we are the legal drinking age is 18. After graduation most of the class either just threw the shirts away or lost them during the corse of the graduation party.
So back to my bfs birthday. My friend, let's call her Jenny, wore her graduation shirt as her ugly shirt. We used to be really close in HS, but now we meet up when we're in bigger groups maybe once every 3 months. After most people had left i started cleaning up the kitchen so there wouldn't be a pile of shit to take care of when we woke up the next day. As I reach the sink I see this shirt blocking the drain and the sink being filled with god knows what. My guess is that it was a nice mix of vodka, beer, cake and nicotine pouches. Me, being the great girlfriend that i am, took on this mess and lifted the shirt up with a fork and threw it straight in the bin to let everything flow down the drain. There were about 10 bin bags for us to take out the next day after everything was rinsed out.
So the day after the party i get a text from Jenny saying that she thinks she forgot her shirt and wonders whether i had found it. I said yes and that i was sorry but i threw it away. I honestly didn't think she would've wanted it back in the state it was in. She then proceeded to call me to ask if i was kidding and when i repeated that no, i wasn't kidding and that i was sorry she hung up on me. A couple of minuets later her friend called me from Jennys phone and asked if we had thrown out all of the bin bags and where we had thrown them. In the background i could hear Jenny crying. I told her where that bag might have ended up but again said where i found it and what state it was in. She said that i was stupid for thinking that it mattered and that you could just have washed it and it'd be fine. I don't think they would've found it even if they looked, since there were a bunch of us staying to clean and people threw stuff in different bins.
Honestly i'm not quite sure what i should've done otherwise. The party was at my bf's parents house which would've meant i would have to take the stinky shirt home with me until Jenny would have picked it up and tbh i didn't want that thing near me even with a 10 foot pole...
Another thing to note is that many people left stuff behind and we brought those things home with us incase anyone would call to pick them up, but this shirt was beyond saving in my eyes. Now neither Jenny or her friend are talking to me which makes me feel like the AH, but i also feel like there wasn't much else for me to do.

I know quitting your job as a cook usually simply comes with two weeks notice or a ragequit walkout, but for eleven months I worked at a new franchise that had such potential which was being squandered by the incompetence of upper management. I present the nearly 6000 word thesis I turned in on my last day. Locations and names have been changed to cartoon references. Brackets represent ambiguous information in place of specific details.
Krusty Krab Careers Jobs
Opening in [Month/Year], Krusty Krab (KK) Bikini Bottom is on its 4th kitchen manager in less than a year. Krusty Krab O-Town has recently let go its inaugural kitchen manager and sous chef. Almost no member of the Bikini Bottom opening management team remains employed by KK. There is a pattern developing where one must question both the choice of employee and the directive given to new franchises. These lingering issues I brought concerns about in the first weeks of opening but was disregarded at every turn despite my experience with festival traffic. As a result I decided this was not a place I wanted to advance, but with a good-enough paycheck I’d be a lowly grunt in the kitchen four days a week, at five days a week I would have quit or been fired over a public outburst long ago. If Krusty Krab alters course slightly while being true to the brand this could be a successful chain.
My unique employment history in brick and mortar restaurants, food trucks, pop up culinary concepts, trade shows/conventions, and the film industry make me an ideal candidate to be on the opening team for new KK locations. My outgoing nature and foresight are valuable assets. For example, on training week before opening when I was standing around idly without a task I took it upon myself to organize the disarray that was dry storage. Overhearing Krabs tell another manager where he wanted the cleaning products placed, I had a jumping off point and the organization I created nine months ago is still largely in place. Since returning from my vacation in early February I have made it my mission to keep the storage area organized because it was again starting to resemble a hoarder’s house rather than a commercial kitchen. This is now part of my weekly routines because every time I turn my back there is more product being placed haphazardly just anywhere with little regard. I also recently reorganized the walk-in cooler because of problematic stocking with items being placed on the same shelf or below raw proteins. I also simply put all the like products together such as cheeses or fruits that were scattered amongst several shelves. With recent overordering I cannot keep up with the organization of the walk in cooler. The pattern recognition of food types and even simple shapes appears to be lost on the Bikini Bottom crew. My daily reorganization of containers is proof of this. Most days I’ll take a few minutes to put all cylinders together, all cambros together in descending volume, all deep and shallow pans next to each other rather than intermixed. My decision to be a kitchen manager at age 19 from 2005 thru 2008 and rarely enter restaurant management since is very calculated.
With my prior knowledge of professional kitchens I was becoming Bikini Bottom’s resident nag to coworkers as I made note of health department violations on a daily basis. I stopped after being largely ignored for two weeks. My regular health department nags include; a battle with jackets and hats being placed only in the designated area (a designated area that did not exist until I created a place for personal items a in January by neatly organizing the dry storage area again), waiting until prepped items are cooled before a cover is placed on top, placement of raw seafood, open containers (very often sugar, flour, and pancake mix bags ripped open and left), and dirty dishes/containers placed back in rotation. The dirty dishes and containers in rotation with the clean ones are at an atrociously high number. I have given up on making the 4th fryer seafood allergy safe too. With the low volume of seafood allergy safe items Bikini Bottom should purchase smaller baskets to visually discourage cross contamination with the other fryers and baskets. My skills to organize the kitchen do not end with simply where to store products to meet minimal health department standards.
Half of the space in the Bikini Bottom kitchen is completely wasted on an ill-advised walkway to the dishpit. An intelligent design would place a second doorway directly to the dishpit connected to the bar or where the bathrooms reside. Numerous times during the opening week of KK Bikini Bottom I said, yelled, sang, and muttered that we have too many food items for the amount of space we have. Icus stated that there was more space than Bluffington. Is Bluffington intelligently designed? Because Bikini Bottom most certainly isn’t. So Bikini Bottom actually has less space even if there is more square footage. See the attached diagram for an intelligent design that could potentially house a menu of this size. Bikini Bottom forces a line design on this kitchen when an open concept is needed for this menu. It’s as if this floorplan was created by a person who had only ever seen one commercial kitchen previously and couldn’t think 4th dimensionally to understand the needs of the workers to smoothly serve customers.
There is not enough counter space for pizzas without getting off the line, the microwave is placed completely out of the way, the freezer’s curved design is a waste of potential counter space and a falling hazard for containers stored on top of it, the toaster is an overcomplicated and overexpensive piece of machinery that serves exactly one purpose when a flat top could be used to toast bread and other purposes like a quesadilla special, sautee was designed without an overhang for spices, the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter for seafood allergies, there are no Frialator fryers which I have worked with at every single kitchen job previously instead we got the cheap Vulcan model (is that logical), the cheap low boy in pantry that doesn’t drain excess water anywhere it’s just supposed to evaporate somehow but doesn’t, the grill and fryer should be placed next to each other (with a higher volume of crossover than other stations), the floors are flat instead on having a mild decline towards the drains (just look at the standing water residing behind the oven right now), in the dishpit the spraying area and the filled sinks are backwards of a logical dipshit, the ramp to the back door is on the wrong side, there is no refrigerated place downstairs to stage extra food for busy shifts (the beer cooler is once again used for such food items because of this massive oversight), the prep station is an afterthought and miniscule, the dishes on the line are difficult to grab for anyone under 5’11” and inaccessible for anyone under 5’6” (instead of putting them underneath tables that also give that desperately needed counterspace I spoke of), there is not enough space to store to-go containers or boats behind the line, expo is lacking a low boy for the numerous items that are supposed to be cold but are instead kept at room temperature all day long, no one in management thought about buying shelves until right before Bikini Bottom opened as a result the clean full sheets sat on the floor for days, we had only the exact amount of 1⁄6 pans for an absurd amount of time making it impossible to rotate and clean them when necessary (which is daily), we still struggle with 1/9 pan supply. And just when I thought I documented all the poor design choices possible I stumbled upon a person whose office holiday party was booked at KK Bikini Bottom. The deck space works just fine as a deck. It does not double well as a gathering space. The space is too long and narrow for parties, it promotes little splitoff groups rather than a coming together of a larger gathering. It may be advantageous to contact a social psychologist for help designing a private party space that promotes intermingling rather than enforcing small pockets to form. The reorganization of the physical kitchen isn’t all that screams for an overhaul.
There are six positions on the line at the Krusty Krab; expo, oven, grill, sautee, fryer, and pantry. But the pantry and fryer positions are forced together like a bad remix. Everyone who mainly works pantry deserves a $6 raise immediately because it is a station and a half. Both Icus and Krumm, while kitchen manager, kind of acknowledged the pantry is too big for one station without outright mentioning the lopsided distribution of work. I imagine in the only location where this works, Bluffington, a second person joins the pantry at noon because of the unreasonable amount of items one person is tasked with. Bikini Bottom only has one person in this position at all times, maybe modify it for one person? The excess of items on the pantry position largely resembles a position I would call “set-up” or “build” at a previous job that made sensible choices. This build position should have tostadas, tacos, butcher’s blocks, toast, salads, lettuce wrap set ups, and preparing plating for whichever station is most bogged down. I have absolutely lost my mind yelling about salads at least once a month, ranting that they do not belong on the fryer position because of how illogical it is that five salads are included on the mountain of other items the pantry has. I have always considered working in a kitchen a kind of dance, and the pantry station demands an unnecessarily convoluted dance to keep up with the demand. Without the salads, tostadas, and tacos the station is already the busiest. Do we really need to combine ballet and swing by including these extra awkward dance steps in this single station? For a kitchen designed this poorly I suppose it is. Again, see attached document for an intelligently designed kitchen that might be able to accommodate this menu. Unless Bikini Bottom is going to close for a month to fix the baffling floor plan design the menu is shouting to be reduced to 30-36 items.
The menu is too big. Krusty Krab is the jack of all foods, master of none. In general I believe individual locations should be allowed 18% omissions, and 18% unique items to this wildly unwieldy menu sitting around 50 food items including sides. The insistence on keeping menu items that don’t sell at Bikini Bottom because of Bluffington is mind boggling. Chicken tenders do not sell at Bikini Bottom. fried sushi does not sell at Bikini Bottom, not enough to justify their place on the line. I don’t care how well these items work in Bluffinton. They. Do. Not. Work. At. Bikini. Bottom. If the KK location in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean sells an incredible amount of live krill does that mean Bikini Bottom and O-Town must sell live krill too? Take the fried sushi off the menu. I had a complete meltdown about this during a Dimmadome service and my valid point was met with indifference. Replace the kid’s tenders with a kid’s fish sticks. We already have the tilapia fish sticks on the line for tacos. Or make the kid’s fish sticks cod. We cut cod to order for fish tacos in spite of health code violations because it is too rare of an order to make beforehand. Saffron in mashed potatoes? If you must. Why are green tomatoes only on the menu during lunch? Bikini Bottom throws away a sizable amount of spoiled green tomatoes each week. Have green tomatoes on the menu all day long or don’t have them at all. The smoked salmon could go on salads or a special taco to justify its place on the line. The corn pico’s place on the line is unjustified. It only goes on one item, tostadas, which are not particularly popular. If we had a taco salad we could throw the corn pico on there. We also have unreasonable waste from unusable taco shells, smash up those imperfect taco shells and throw them on said taco salad. But before we add salads, let's get rid of the pear and kale salads. The pears' position on the line are unjustified, if we threw them on a taco variation maybe their place on the Bikini Bottom line could be argued but for now they only go on a salad that isn’t particularly popular. The kale salad is an issue of space for a 4th green for salads is too much. The krusty salad is my most hated house salad of all time. And it comes down to the toast with goat cheese. This ancillary step of spreading goat cheese on a cracker is an unnecessary step for an overly complicated dance and should be part of the expo dance if expo wasn’t a shoddily designed afterthought lacking a low boy.
There are a plethora of squeeze bottles on the pantry station that have no place on the overloaded station. They belong to an expo station with a low boy to keep them cold. Pantry has an overwhelming ten squeeze bottles: chipotle crema, sweet chili vinaigrette, buffalo, korean bbq, ranch, caesar, wine vinaigrette, lemon vinaigrette, honey mustard, and lemon aioli. Only the first four are justified on an intelligently designed fryer section, the second four belong on the build station, the last two have no place anywhere but expo. With this extra space sautee could keep their bottles and two purees cold in the fryer's lowboy instead of leaving them at room temperature all day inviting a pathogen party. This theorized intelligently designed expo would have room to keep these four squeeze bottles and a double of every sauce chilled to pour them into ramekins, a move that is highly common in the expo dance. The fact that expo doesn’t have a double of all squeeze bottles is foolish. Expo has to bother an overloaded station to pour these side sauces instead.
How many gallons of basil aioli has Bikini Bottom thrown away in 11 months? Four aiolis in general is way too many and most go on a single item; basil aioli on the incredibly unpopular veggie burger, lemon aioli for calamari, sweet chili aioli for the BLT that is only served half of the day, and garlic aioli actually goes on two items…I believe. What a colossal waste of precious little space, lose two aiolis and then you can sing the logical song with me. Perhaps we can put garlic aioli and sweet chili vinaigrette on the BLT separately and accomplish the exact same thing the sweet chili aioli does. The wings too have unneeded complications. Having worked at a sports bar specializing in wings for the better part of a decade I find KK’s plating of wings to be overly pretentious. The carrots, celery, and blue cheese have lost function. Heffer Wolf always said no one eats the carrot/celery julienne with blue cheese. It’s a complete waste of all the ingredients because you’ve gone too far with the presentation. Wings aren’t fancy. Wings are supposed to have a small pool of sauce and be sloppy. It’s like a sloppy joe that’s not sloppy, an unsloppy joe is a failure to sloppy joes just as the KK presentation of wings is a disparagement to the dish. Ever since training week back in 2022 I have used a scale to give Bikini Bottom a passing or failing grade.
Chokey Chicken to Chum Bucket is the scale I use to judge efficiency and sanity at Bikini Bottom. Both establishments are upscale casual dining experiences in Capitol City in the same vein as KK. Chokey had high employee retention and relatively smooth openings for new locations. Chum Bucket’s employee turnover was high and every location opening was chaotic. Which one sounds closer to KK? Chokey Chicken was filled with chefs I respect including Chef Ren Hoek who remains a close friend to this day. Ren lost his lifelong passion for kitchen work after working management at Chum Bucket. He’s actually seeking work in Bikini Bottom. Call him up at [phone number], but KK will give him Nam’ flashbacks of why he chose driving for a living rather than cooking for five years. The pair of us together helming Bikini Bottom with the ability to omit and create 18% of the overloaded menu can bring success to this franchise. We have worked well numerous times in the past on various concepts in the past including creating The Attack of the Pickled Tomatoes Burger for [Promotional live performance of a TV show] at the Capitol City Theater. We served 100 people in 60 at the [sitcom filming] lunch. That’s physically impossible but somehow we did it quite a few times.
A fun anecdote about Ren Hoek’s KK experience from the soft launch; on training week numerous times I brought concerns about being seafood allergy safe that were dismissed. As mentioned earlier the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter, one each of which seafood never touches. Before the soft launch Chef Stimpy from Bluffington insisted all customers just kind of know everything is prone to be seafood contaminated. Well, chef Ren was a customer that night and this absolutely was not communicated to customers. He claimed to have a slight seafood allergy and was not informed of what the crab soup was. In reality he does not have a seafood allergy. I didn’t discuss the seafood issue with Ren, separately we noticed egregious violations of food safety standards and we each responded in our own way. The soft launch service was so awful that night Chef Ren walked out of a free meal to pay for some ramen, never to return to Bikini Bottom. I attribute this oversight, and many of Bikini Bottom’s (and probably O-Town’s) problems to hubris over the Bluffington location.
Chef Chokey would also be hesitant to join the KK team. It will cost a finder’s fee just for me to reveal Chef Chokey’s name. Chef Chokey was a lead in the rapid expansion of Chokey Chicken restaurants. He opened numerous restaurants and was big on the philosophy that each restaurant must have its own personality in order to fit the unique local culture and the variety of working spaces. This is in direct conflict with the KK way that everything must be exactly like the Bluffington location no matter what. There was only one Chokey Chicken location that had the full menu, Chokey Springfield. Chokey Springfield had a large space which was intelligently designed to accommodate such a large menu. The KK menu is all over the place, closing in on 50 menu items which comes up as a failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale. This is not the only area KK comes up as a major failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale.
Has anyone in this company ever worked festival traffic before? Does anyone have the experience of working next to a major venue with 8000 seats before this one? The way Bikini Bottom handles Dimmadome services it certainly appears that the decision-makers fall on the wrong side of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Having all 50 items available during such massive traffic is completely asinine. An unwillingness to serve a partial menu is hindering the Bikini Bottom kitchen staff. I have worked festival traffic before, and Dimmadome events bring in festival traffic. I’ve worked inside a festival whose line never ended but every customer got their order in 5 minutes or less because the line kept flowing with only four items on the menu as that’s what was warranted at the B-Sharps Music Festival. I refuse to be set up for failure the way Bikini Bottom sets up Dimmadome services for failure. The entire week of concerts in [summer] 2022 I was set up for failure every day (it was after this I modified my availability to keep my sanity and my paycheck). When I brought my concerns about running efficiently during Dimmadome services I was labeled a B-worker for the first time in my employment history by Icus and Krabs. It is that moment which I was either going to holler at them both for being 2-dimensional thinkers who were obviously unqualified for the positions they accepted in this company, or just put my head down. If Bikini Bottom has a successful concert day service, hail your team because they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. They swam with concrete shoes. I often wonder how many customers had bad experiences and never returned after concert days. A Dimmadome service should have no more than 25 items and have one or two specials to divert traffic towards an area the kitchen can keep moving. An Open Cup Open Plate (OCOP) special for foot traffic is absolutely needed. When I suggested OCOP special, Heffer was intrigued by this idea and immediately named burgers as the special to keep foot traffic flowing. Smithers wouldn’t hear this idea, babbling on about what’s advertised instead of hearing out a sound idea. This prattle despite radio commercials having inaccurate hours and social media promoting Bikini Bottom’s steak tacos to this day. I always found Smithers to be a better fit as a middle management office pencil pusher than as a hands-on restaurant manager. Overall I find KK managers are selected to be automatons not to question their orders rather than critical thinkers who could take the restaurant to the next level. During brunch service is another period of time that must be modified to lessen the heft of items. Having a full menu that barely works plus brunch is so deep into Chum Bucket territory, in my opinion we now have to use the Tropic Thunder scale of full retard to describe a 60-plus-item brunch. Chef Ren hired back a Chum Bucket cook who had a mental breakdown and stormed out during brunch (plus full menu) service because Ren knew the employee was justified and upper management was completely unreasonable in their brunch requests. It’s not just questionable decisions that hinder KK staff but improper equipment as well.
This is the first restaurant I have worked at which uses a touch screen on the line rather than tickets. From day one I found this to be technology for technology’s sake inferior to tickets. Chef Ren forced a new Chum Bucket location to rip out touch screens from the line and bring in ticket printers because of the higher efficiency. The touch screen is a great idea for expo, not the entire line. My biggest gripe is that each station does not get all the information. Early on I was regularly yelled at for not staggering my items, well I can’t see the rest of the order; a problem I have never had with a ticket system. Touchscreen software is also much more prone to errors and glitches. When I reported an error during a heavy service Icus and Krabs blamed my skills on the line without looking into the malfunctioning screen further. It was glitchy for weeks before the two finally investigated and corrected the issue I brought to their attention long before. Those two gave me an immense amount of ammunition to dislike them in the opening weeks until I stopped caring. The issue I had with being unable to scroll beyond the bottom of a completely filled screen has returned and is still there as of [my last day]. There are also important details that get buried. A frequent meltdown I have is that sauce on side requests and other important modifications are not capitalized or in red to catch the eye as they have been at jobs with tickets. These details get lost on Bikini Bottom’s touchscreens. A sauce on side salad made by me will be wrong 50% of the time because of the instructions being camouflaged in a word salad. This goes for coleslaw on the side and drizzle on the side too. Drizzle in general I dislike because of the pretentiousness, but whatever, drizzle it on top rather than putting it in a ramekin if you must. There are numerous places where Bikini Bottom overcomplicates matters for reasons I cannot ascertain.
Why is there such a large variety of plates? Why do we have a medium circular plate for salads and a large bowl for salads with protein? This just confuses the simplest of matters. I was told this is done because of the high price hike with protein, a larger presentation was desired. But that price hike is the price of protein in 2023. Bikini Bottom should put all salads in the large bowls and use all the circular salad plates in a skeet shooting promotion. I understand why we have both a circular platter plate and a pizza plate but in my restaurant the circular platter plates must go...or maybe the large platter plate instead. Is the large platter used for anything besides fish and chips? That extra space on fish and chips plates are only used for side sauces which can easily be delivered to customers on small circular plates. What is the medium oval plate doing that the medium rectangular plate isn’t? And vice versa. Why do they both exist when they are approximately the same size? Let me write an internet commercial where we break a lot of plates so we can get some logical use out of the superfluous plates. I don’t care which one is destroyed, the ovals or the rectangles but one of them is an unnecessary redundancy in excess done again. Speaking of commercials, the unimaginative radio advertisements for Bikini Bottom are doing little to lure new customers to the restaurant.
The three radio spots I have heard on KBBL all sound like they were produced by a marketing 101 student who wasn’t a natural in the field. The voiceover actor was so uncharismatic I was certain someone from the office was chosen at random to read the copy. Then I heard that same voiceover actor selling pool supplies on another radio station so I concluded that Bikini Bottom must have hired the cheapest guy in town to produce the most basic of commercials. Perhaps there is someone else you could hire more qualified to voiceover these commercials, an actor with experience on an Emmy award winning cable program whose unique place in the film industry was written about on [website] would be a much wiser choice to be the voice of the KK? (See external link). In the ad there was no catchphrase, no jingle, no music whatsoever. This simple approach to commercials lacks the pizazz to catch the attention of radio listeners. The first two commercials I heard would get a C in marketing 101 as they were nearly the exact same and accomplished the bare minimum to sell wares, the third one would maybe get a B- because there was some sort of attempted gimmick with the voiceover whispering to represent thinking inside his head about what he was going to eat later at KK. Not only does this commercial give no reason for the man to think inside his head, the outside world still and unpopulated. To see what a creative person would do with this concept see the attached script. There is an attempted slogan that could become part of an ad campaign. Commercials aren’t the only lost opportunities in promotions.
There are numerous promotional celebrity tie-ins at Bikini Bottom’s fingertips with Dimmadome performers. The restaurant could have a Phish sandwich as a OCOP special on [Phish performance dates], or a pretentious Jelly Roll on [Jelly Roll performance date]. Has anyone reached out to the Dimmadome theater or talent management for approved special menu items to be promoted inside the dome? Perhaps a special 20% discount to ticket holders? Is Bikini Bottom capable of getting permits to extend Open Container hours beyond [cutoff time] for an afterparty or block party throughout a Dimmadome concert? I see additional marketing opportunities left on the table for all new locations.
I believe new KK locations are missing out on a marketing campaign by opening with the entire cumbersome 50 item menu. This is a staggering amount of menu items which is too much to ask new staffers to perfect all at once. After a few months expanding the menu by approximately ten items is catching to customers who haven’t returned after a single visit or infrequently stop into KK. There are ten new food items that might appeal to them. Just like it appears KK doesn’t know what it’s looking for in a good commercial spot, this company doesn’t appear to recognize a talented from an untalented worker until it’s too late.
It is my understanding that KK had a headhunter to find Icus, the first Bikini Bottom kitchen manager. If it were up to me I’d hire someone to break the legs of that headhunter for bringing in a subpar kitchen lead. We are still attempting to recover from the lousy choices she made in the floor plan. If anybody responsible for Bikini Bottom’s floor plan is still giving input, stop them immediately. Once the doors were open to the public Icus had his head in the clouds to a point where I questioned if he saw the writing on the walls of an imminent demotion and stopped trying as a result. I had a full deck of 3x5 cards in an archaic powerpoint presentation bringing numerous concerns to light that he kept putting off listening to until he was fired. Those same cards were broken out for this essay. The second kitchen manager, Krumm, is a good lesson in honesty. According to Heffer, Krumm was given a bill of goods about how smoothly KK Bikini Bottom was running. Since Krumm stepped into a latrine pit which he was led to believe was a heated pool, he left in short time. Krumm also had plans to modify the menu but when his bosses told him to be a rodeo clown rather than a cowboy Krumm didn’t take too kindly to that. Meanwhile Heffer was the savior of the Bikini Bottom kitchen. I didn’t agree with every single decision he made, but I did with a majority of them. Heffer’s overhaul was such a blessing so I didn’t have to fiddle with the organization of 60% of the equipment anymore, only about 20% now. Too bad Heffer’s crippling depression came back after bashing his head into the wall out of frustration with the shackles KK restrained him with.
The current management team is enthusiastic but inexperienced. I see an accumulation of small infractions that might bring down Bikini Bottom’s health department rating significantly. I see the entire management team being inattentive or unaware about organizational issues. Whatever bureaucratic nonsense corporate tasks everyone with from the original sous chef Skeeter to Patty Mayonnaise that makes them walk away from the line between 11am and 1pm especially is infuriating. I have never been left alone on a multi-person line during peak hours so regularly, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. As much as I believe in his drive, I imagine our current kitchen manager SpongeBob will be let go after a disastrous service during the Dimmadome concert season that someone has to take the fall for. Chef Ren and I could help bring experience in management and dealing with festival traffic...if corporate does not force us to follow a failing strategy.
After working nearly a year at KK you may ask why I’m not proficient on more than one station. Excellent question. First, when I move over to another station the squeeze bottles are never labeled (until Stu Pickles was hired, now they’re sometimes labeled), so I always looked at the glut of unlabeled sauces and I’d go back to my station because the basic information is missing (also a health department violation for having numerous unlabeled, unchilled bottles). In his first week the new general manager Stu Pickles pulled out 90% of the containers under the grill station because they were lacking labels despite an expected health department visit. The second reason for my menu ignorance is the mountain of prep for my own and upcoming shifts I have piled up on my station throughout service. My attention to detail appears to be next level with my ability to anticipate stocking all items for all shifts including the weeknd. The third reason I wouldn’t learn multiple stations is a defense against the afternoon conference calls. In [month] the Bikini Bottom line was unprepared for a busy post lunch because one cook was cut and our expo person was busy with a conference call. The two of us remaining on the line had a miserable slog through an unexpectedly busy afternoon. When I brought this up to Krabs he disregarded me, being a good bean counter he quoted the cost percentage. What he didn’t take into account was the missing expo person who could have jumped on the line and expo to help the understaffed two man team. That person was stuck on a conference call. Just recently I saw the company actively lose money because of this poorly thought-out meeting during business hours. A customer wanted to order a dessert that was 86ed but had been restocked by our prep cook an hour before. The server was unable to sell them their dessert because the only person in the building who could help un-86 an item was on a conference call. This conference call calamity is another bone-headed choice that speaks to a larger decision-making problem within the corporate structure. Finish the conference calls by 10:45 am eastern.
In conclusion, I quit my position as a lowly grunt for this company because of its unwarranted perplexing dance steps and below average management. I don’t care how much varnish and lacquer is supplied, I refuse to polish this Bikini Bottom turd as a manager or full-time employee under the current circumstances. You would have to take a pickaxe to the floor, possibly relocate the bathrooms to add a door to the dishpit, get rid of the cheap low boy that doesn’t properly drain excess water, and Mr Gorbachov knock down that wall in the middle of the kitchen to give the proper amount of space to work. Or simply reduce the menu to 36 items (including sides) because that’s the amount of space this dreadful design can comfortably output. Would Gordon Ramsay compliment KK for all the unnecessary convoluted complications abound, or would Chef Ramsay yell about keeping it simple and demand KK chuck it in the flip? Thanks to the numerous pop up restaurants I have been a part of and the hectic world of trade shows/conventions, I may have more experience than anyone else employed by KK in smoothly opening a new location. I would enjoy being part of the opening team to ensure new locations have an efficiency Bikini Bottom lacks, and to keep upper management away from their worst instincts. Work with me and Chef Ren and we will help you become a well oiled machine like Chokey Chicken instead of the Chum Bucket cesspit Bikini Bottom currently embodies.

Lots of backstory to this: hopefully, I can keep it sorted out.
My addiction is porn and sexting other people drove my Betrayed Wife to leave me a few months ago, move back in with her parents out of our apartment, and file for divorce, which is currently about settled (as far as I've heard).
About 2 years ago, we got a little Jack Russell mix puppy we named Melody. I've never been a very big dog person (used to be scared of them when I was little), but it was important to my wife for comfort purposes (she grew up with household dogs), so I went along with it. Melody is technically an emotional support animal: I say "technically" because she is definitely a bit of a brat and can be aggravating at the best of times, and her status as a emotional support animal has helped us to not have to pay the pet fee at our apartment. Nonetheless, I know that BW cares very much for Melody, and I know I do too.
When it became evident that we were splitting up, the topic of what to do with Melody came up. BW said, Melody can't stay with her full-time: she both doesn't get along with her parents' dog, and is generally too much of a handful for her parents to deal with when BW is at work. Knowing that I'm not necessarily a fan of dogs in general, BW has said she was looking into finding someone who could take in Melody, with the understanding that she (BW) would still be able to visit her this is important). However, I said that I would be fine with looking after her: at the time, I was feeling very anguished, and had been missing my wife terribly, and I think the thought of our little dog having to live with someone else just seemed like too much. But I don't regret making that offer, and (to the best of my recollection) BW was fine with that.
That was the last time I saw BW in person: she had been moving some of her furniture out of our apartment, though she did come back to our apartment several times after that to finish getting her things, finally leaving her apartment key after the final time. I'd been trying to keep in occasional contact with her, but eventually just stopped getting responses to any of my messages.
So, now to the near-present: I'm going on a trip out of state over Memorial Day weekend, and I reach out to BW asking if she wants to look after Melody while I'm gone, since I can't take her with me. My intentions were mainly just to offer a chance to see her dog, since she had given me the impression that she had still wanted that: if she didn't want to or wasn't able to, I had a sitter who could manage it. Well, as usual, I got no response. At this point, I decided that I needed to leave her alone: if she needed to talk to me or wanted to see Melody, she would be able to contact me. So I arranged for the sitter, and went on my trip.
While I was there, I was talking with my brother, whose wife is still friends with BW and keeps in contact. The impression I got, from what he said, was that BW felt I was trying to use Melody to get to her, or to stay in her life, or something like that. Now, I don't think that's what I've been doing, but I also don't trust my subconscious very much: maybe there was an aspect of that. But I also know that BW loves Melody, and had said before that she'd want to see her, and I'm fine with her doing that, even if it doesn't involve seeing me. However, now I'm starting to think that it might be a better arrangement if Melody stays with someone else, so BW can visit her and just put me out of her mind.
I really torn. I love BW, and I love our dog. I want them both to be happy, even if it would mean I can't see them again. But I already feel like my attempts to contact her have been a nuisance at best and triggering at worst, so I don't know if it's a good idea to message her again to ask directly. I don't know if I'm looking for advice or not: I just don't know what to do. Thanks for taking the time to listen.
TLDR: my wife and I split up. She can't take the dog, but still wants to visit her. I'm currently keeping the dog, but I worry that my wife feels she can't see the dog if she's with me, and so I wonder if maybe I should have let someone else watch her.

I know quitting your job as a cook usually simply comes with two weeks notice or a ragequit walkout, but for eleven months I worked at a new franchise that had such potential which was being squandered by the incompetence of upper management. I present the nearly 6000 word thesis I turned in on my last day. Locations and names have been changed to cartoon references. Brackets represent ambiguous information in place of specific details.
Krusty Krab Careers Jobs
Opening in [Month/Year], Krusty Krab (KK) Bikini Bottom is on its 4th kitchen manager in less than a year. Krusty Krab O-Town has recently let go its inaugural kitchen manager and sous chef. Almost no member of the Bikini Bottom opening management team remains employed by KK. There is a pattern developing where one must question both the choice of employee and the directive given to new franchises. These lingering issues I brought concerns about in the first weeks of opening but was disregarded at every turn despite my experience with festival traffic. As a result I decided this was not a place I wanted to advance, but with a good-enough paycheck I’d be a lowly grunt in the kitchen four days a week, at five days a week I would have quit or been fired over a public outburst long ago. If Krusty Krab alters course slightly while being true to the brand this could be a successful chain.
My unique employment history in brick and mortar restaurants, food trucks, pop up culinary concepts, trade shows/conventions, and the film industry make me an ideal candidate to be on the opening team for new KK locations. My outgoing nature and foresight are valuable assets. For example, on training week before opening when I was standing around idly without a task I took it upon myself to organize the disarray that was dry storage. Overhearing Krabs tell another manager where he wanted the cleaning products placed, I had a jumping off point and the organization I created nine months ago is still largely in place. Since returning from my vacation in early February I have made it my mission to keep the storage area organized because it was again starting to resemble a hoarder’s house rather than a commercial kitchen. This is now part of my weekly routines because every time I turn my back there is more product being placed haphazardly just anywhere with little regard. I also recently reorganized the walk-in cooler because of problematic stocking with items being placed on the same shelf or below raw proteins. I also simply put all the like products together such as cheeses or fruits that were scattered amongst several shelves. With recent overordering I cannot keep up with the organization of the walk in cooler. The pattern recognition of food types and even simple shapes appears to be lost on the Bikini Bottom crew. My daily reorganization of containers is proof of this. Most days I’ll take a few minutes to put all cylinders together, all cambros together in descending volume, all deep and shallow pans next to each other rather than intermixed. My decision to be a kitchen manager at age 19 from 2005 thru 2008 and rarely enter restaurant management since is very calculated.
With my prior knowledge of professional kitchens I was becoming Bikini Bottom’s resident nag to coworkers as I made note of health department violations on a daily basis. I stopped after being largely ignored for two weeks. My regular health department nags include; a battle with jackets and hats being placed only in the designated area (a designated area that did not exist until I created a place for personal items a in January by neatly organizing the dry storage area again), waiting until prepped items are cooled before a cover is placed on top, placement of raw seafood, open containers (very often sugar, flour, and pancake mix bags ripped open and left), and dirty dishes/containers placed back in rotation. The dirty dishes and containers in rotation with the clean ones are at an atrociously high number. I have given up on making the 4th fryer seafood allergy safe too. With the low volume of seafood allergy safe items Bikini Bottom should purchase smaller baskets to visually discourage cross contamination with the other fryers and baskets. My skills to organize the kitchen do not end with simply where to store products to meet minimal health department standards.
Half of the space in the Bikini Bottom kitchen is completely wasted on an ill-advised walkway to the dishpit. An intelligent design would place a second doorway directly to the dishpit connected to the bar or where the bathrooms reside. Numerous times during the opening week of KK Bikini Bottom I said, yelled, sang, and muttered that we have too many food items for the amount of space we have. Icus stated that there was more space than Bluffington. Is Bluffington intelligently designed? Because Bikini Bottom most certainly isn’t. So Bikini Bottom actually has less space even if there is more square footage. See the attached diagram for an intelligent design that could potentially house a menu of this size. Bikini Bottom forces a line design on this kitchen when an open concept is needed for this menu. It’s as if this floorplan was created by a person who had only ever seen one commercial kitchen previously and couldn’t think 4th dimensionally to understand the needs of the workers to smoothly serve customers.
There is not enough counter space for pizzas without getting off the line, the microwave is placed completely out of the way, the freezer’s curved design is a waste of potential counter space and a falling hazard for containers stored on top of it, the toaster is an overcomplicated and overexpensive piece of machinery that serves exactly one purpose when a flat top could be used to toast bread and other purposes like a quesadilla special, sautee was designed without an overhang for spices, the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter for seafood allergies, there are no Frialator fryers which I have worked with at every single kitchen job previously instead we got the cheap Vulcan model (is that logical), the cheap low boy in pantry that doesn’t drain excess water anywhere it’s just supposed to evaporate somehow but doesn’t, the grill and fryer should be placed next to each other (with a higher volume of crossover than other stations), the floors are flat instead on having a mild decline towards the drains (just look at the standing water residing behind the oven right now), in the dishpit the spraying area and the filled sinks are backwards of a logical dipshit, the ramp to the back door is on the wrong side, there is no refrigerated place downstairs to stage extra food for busy shifts (the beer cooler is once again used for such food items because of this massive oversight), the prep station is an afterthought and miniscule, the dishes on the line are difficult to grab for anyone under 5’11” and inaccessible for anyone under 5’6” (instead of putting them underneath tables that also give that desperately needed counterspace I spoke of), there is not enough space to store to-go containers or boats behind the line, expo is lacking a low boy for the numerous items that are supposed to be cold but are instead kept at room temperature all day long, no one in management thought about buying shelves until right before Bikini Bottom opened as a result the clean full sheets sat on the floor for days, we had only the exact amount of 1⁄6 pans for an absurd amount of time making it impossible to rotate and clean them when necessary (which is daily), we still struggle with 1/9 pan supply. And just when I thought I documented all the poor design choices possible I stumbled upon a person whose office holiday party was booked at KK Bikini Bottom. The deck space works just fine as a deck. It does not double well as a gathering space. The space is too long and narrow for parties, it promotes little splitoff groups rather than a coming together of a larger gathering. It may be advantageous to contact a social psychologist for help designing a private party space that promotes intermingling rather than enforcing small pockets to form. The reorganization of the physical kitchen isn’t all that screams for an overhaul.
There are six positions on the line at the Krusty Krab; expo, oven, grill, sautee, fryer, and pantry. But the pantry and fryer positions are forced together like a bad remix. Everyone who mainly works pantry deserves a $6 raise immediately because it is a station and a half. Both Icus and Krumm, while kitchen manager, kind of acknowledged the pantry is too big for one station without outright mentioning the lopsided distribution of work. I imagine in the only location where this works, Bluffington, a second person joins the pantry at noon because of the unreasonable amount of items one person is tasked with. Bikini Bottom only has one person in this position at all times, maybe modify it for one person? The excess of items on the pantry position largely resembles a position I would call “set-up” or “build” at a previous job that made sensible choices. This build position should have tostadas, tacos, butcher’s blocks, toast, salads, lettuce wrap set ups, and preparing plating for whichever station is most bogged down. I have absolutely lost my mind yelling about salads at least once a month, ranting that they do not belong on the fryer position because of how illogical it is that five salads are included on the mountain of other items the pantry has. I have always considered working in a kitchen a kind of dance, and the pantry station demands an unnecessarily convoluted dance to keep up with the demand. Without the salads, tostadas, and tacos the station is already the busiest. Do we really need to combine ballet and swing by including these extra awkward dance steps in this single station? For a kitchen designed this poorly I suppose it is. Again, see attached document for an intelligently designed kitchen that might be able to accommodate this menu. Unless Bikini Bottom is going to close for a month to fix the baffling floor plan design the menu is shouting to be reduced to 30-36 items.
The menu is too big. Krusty Krab is the jack of all foods, master of none. In general I believe individual locations should be allowed 18% omissions, and 18% unique items to this wildly unwieldy menu sitting around 50 food items including sides. The insistence on keeping menu items that don’t sell at Bikini Bottom because of Bluffington is mind boggling. Chicken tenders do not sell at Bikini Bottom. fried sushi does not sell at Bikini Bottom, not enough to justify their place on the line. I don’t care how well these items work in Bluffinton. They. Do. Not. Work. At. Bikini. Bottom. If the KK location in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean sells an incredible amount of live krill does that mean Bikini Bottom and O-Town must sell live krill too? Take the fried sushi off the menu. I had a complete meltdown about this during a Dimmadome service and my valid point was met with indifference. Replace the kid’s tenders with a kid’s fish sticks. We already have the tilapia fish sticks on the line for tacos. Or make the kid’s fish sticks cod. We cut cod to order for fish tacos in spite of health code violations because it is too rare of an order to make beforehand. Saffron in mashed potatoes? If you must. Why are green tomatoes only on the menu during lunch? Bikini Bottom throws away a sizable amount of spoiled green tomatoes each week. Have green tomatoes on the menu all day long or don’t have them at all. The smoked salmon could go on salads or a special taco to justify its place on the line. The corn pico’s place on the line is unjustified. It only goes on one item, tostadas, which are not particularly popular. If we had a taco salad we could throw the corn pico on there. We also have unreasonable waste from unusable taco shells, smash up those imperfect taco shells and throw them on said taco salad. But before we add salads, let's get rid of the pear and kale salads. The pears' position on the line are unjustified, if we threw them on a taco variation maybe their place on the Bikini Bottom line could be argued but for now they only go on a salad that isn’t particularly popular. The kale salad is an issue of space for a 4th green for salads is too much. The krusty salad is my most hated house salad of all time. And it comes down to the toast with goat cheese. This ancillary step of spreading goat cheese on a cracker is an unnecessary step for an overly complicated dance and should be part of the expo dance if expo wasn’t a shoddily designed afterthought lacking a low boy.
There are a plethora of squeeze bottles on the pantry station that have no place on the overloaded station. They belong to an expo station with a low boy to keep them cold. Pantry has an overwhelming ten squeeze bottles: chipotle crema, sweet chili vinaigrette, buffalo, korean bbq, ranch, caesar, wine vinaigrette, lemon vinaigrette, honey mustard, and lemon aioli. Only the first four are justified on an intelligently designed fryer section, the second four belong on the build station, the last two have no place anywhere but expo. With this extra space sautee could keep their bottles and two purees cold in the fryer's lowboy instead of leaving them at room temperature all day inviting a pathogen party. This theorized intelligently designed expo would have room to keep these four squeeze bottles and a double of every sauce chilled to pour them into ramekins, a move that is highly common in the expo dance. The fact that expo doesn’t have a double of all squeeze bottles is foolish. Expo has to bother an overloaded station to pour these side sauces instead.
How many gallons of basil aioli has Bikini Bottom thrown away in 11 months? Four aiolis in general is way too many and most go on a single item; basil aioli on the incredibly unpopular veggie burger, lemon aioli for calamari, sweet chili aioli for the BLT that is only served half of the day, and garlic aioli actually goes on two items…I believe. What a colossal waste of precious little space, lose two aiolis and then you can sing the logical song with me. Perhaps we can put garlic aioli and sweet chili vinaigrette on the BLT separately and accomplish the exact same thing the sweet chili aioli does. The wings too have unneeded complications. Having worked at a sports bar specializing in wings for the better part of a decade I find KK’s plating of wings to be overly pretentious. The carrots, celery, and blue cheese have lost function. Heffer Wolf always said no one eats the carrot/celery julienne with blue cheese. It’s a complete waste of all the ingredients because you’ve gone too far with the presentation. Wings aren’t fancy. Wings are supposed to have a small pool of sauce and be sloppy. It’s like a sloppy joe that’s not sloppy, an unsloppy joe is a failure to sloppy joes just as the KK presentation of wings is a disparagement to the dish. Ever since training week back in 2022 I have used a scale to give Bikini Bottom a passing or failing grade.
Chokey Chicken to Chum Bucket is the scale I use to judge efficiency and sanity at Bikini Bottom. Both establishments are upscale casual dining experiences in Capitol City in the same vein as KK. Chokey had high employee retention and relatively smooth openings for new locations. Chum Bucket’s employee turnover was high and every location opening was chaotic. Which one sounds closer to KK? Chokey Chicken was filled with chefs I respect including Chef Ren Hoek who remains a close friend to this day. Ren lost his lifelong passion for kitchen work after working management at Chum Bucket. He’s actually seeking work in Bikini Bottom. Call him up at [phone number], but KK will give him Nam’ flashbacks of why he chose driving for a living rather than cooking for five years. The pair of us together helming Bikini Bottom with the ability to omit and create 18% of the overloaded menu can bring success to this franchise. We have worked well numerous times in the past on various concepts in the past including creating The Attack of the Pickled Tomatoes Burger for [Promotional live performance of a TV show] at the Capitol City Theater. We served 100 people in 60 at the [sitcom filming] lunch. That’s physically impossible but somehow we did it quite a few times.
A fun anecdote about Ren Hoek’s KK experience from the soft launch; on training week numerous times I brought concerns about being seafood allergy safe that were dismissed. As mentioned earlier the pantry station lacks the counter space to have two containers of flour and two containers of batter, one each of which seafood never touches. Before the soft launch Chef Stimpy from Bluffington insisted all customers just kind of know everything is prone to be seafood contaminated. Well, chef Ren was a customer that night and this absolutely was not communicated to customers. He claimed to have a slight seafood allergy and was not informed of what the crab soup was. In reality he does not have a seafood allergy. I didn’t discuss the seafood issue with Ren, separately we noticed egregious violations of food safety standards and we each responded in our own way. The soft launch service was so awful that night Chef Ren walked out of a free meal to pay for some ramen, never to return to Bikini Bottom. I attribute this oversight, and many of Bikini Bottom’s (and probably O-Town’s) problems to hubris over the Bluffington location.
Chef Chokey would also be hesitant to join the KK team. It will cost a finder’s fee just for me to reveal Chef Chokey’s name. Chef Chokey was a lead in the rapid expansion of Chokey Chicken restaurants. He opened numerous restaurants and was big on the philosophy that each restaurant must have its own personality in order to fit the unique local culture and the variety of working spaces. This is in direct conflict with the KK way that everything must be exactly like the Bluffington location no matter what. There was only one Chokey Chicken location that had the full menu, Chokey Springfield. Chokey Springfield had a large space which was intelligently designed to accommodate such a large menu. The KK menu is all over the place, closing in on 50 menu items which comes up as a failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale. This is not the only area KK comes up as a major failure on the Chokey Chicken/Chum Bucket scale.
Has anyone in this company ever worked festival traffic before? Does anyone have the experience of working next to a major venue with 8000 seats before this one? The way Bikini Bottom handles Dimmadome services it certainly appears that the decision-makers fall on the wrong side of the Dunning-Kruger effect. Having all 50 items available during such massive traffic is completely asinine. An unwillingness to serve a partial menu is hindering the Bikini Bottom kitchen staff. I have worked festival traffic before, and Dimmadome events bring in festival traffic. I’ve worked inside a festival whose line never ended but every customer got their order in 5 minutes or less because the line kept flowing with only four items on the menu as that’s what was warranted at the B-Sharps Music Festival. I refuse to be set up for failure the way Bikini Bottom sets up Dimmadome services for failure. The entire week of concerts in [summer] 2022 I was set up for failure every day (it was after this I modified my availability to keep my sanity and my paycheck). When I brought my concerns about running efficiently during Dimmadome services I was labeled a B-worker for the first time in my employment history by Icus and Krabs. It is that moment which I was either going to holler at them both for being 2-dimensional thinkers who were obviously unqualified for the positions they accepted in this company, or just put my head down. If Bikini Bottom has a successful concert day service, hail your team because they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. They swam with concrete shoes. I often wonder how many customers had bad experiences and never returned after concert days. A Dimmadome service should have no more than 25 items and have one or two specials to divert traffic towards an area the kitchen can keep moving. An Open Cup Open Plate (OCOP) special for foot traffic is absolutely needed. When I suggested OCOP special, Heffer was intrigued by this idea and immediately named burgers as the special to keep foot traffic flowing. Smithers wouldn’t hear this idea, babbling on about what’s advertised instead of hearing out a sound idea. This prattle despite radio commercials having inaccurate hours and social media promoting Bikini Bottom’s steak tacos to this day. I always found Smithers to be a better fit as a middle management office pencil pusher than as a hands-on restaurant manager. Overall I find KK managers are selected to be automatons not to question their orders rather than critical thinkers who could take the restaurant to the next level. During brunch service is another period of time that must be modified to lessen the heft of items. Having a full menu that barely works plus brunch is so deep into Chum Bucket territory, in my opinion we now have to use the Tropic Thunder scale of full retard to describe a 60-plus-item brunch. Chef Ren hired back a Chum Bucket cook who had a mental breakdown and stormed out during brunch (plus full menu) service because Ren knew the employee was justified and upper management was completely unreasonable in their brunch requests. It’s not just questionable decisions that hinder KK staff but improper equipment as well.
This is the first restaurant I have worked at which uses a touch screen on the line rather than tickets. From day one I found this to be technology for technology’s sake inferior to tickets. Chef Ren forced a new Chum Bucket location to rip out touch screens from the line and bring in ticket printers because of the higher efficiency. The touch screen is a great idea for expo, not the entire line. My biggest gripe is that each station does not get all the information. Early on I was regularly yelled at for not staggering my items, well I can’t see the rest of the order; a problem I have never had with a ticket system. Touchscreen software is also much more prone to errors and glitches. When I reported an error during a heavy service Icus and Krabs blamed my skills on the line without looking into the malfunctioning screen further. It was glitchy for weeks before the two finally investigated and corrected the issue I brought to their attention long before. Those two gave me an immense amount of ammunition to dislike them in the opening weeks until I stopped caring. The issue I had with being unable to scroll beyond the bottom of a completely filled screen has returned and is still there as of [my last day]. There are also important details that get buried. A frequent meltdown I have is that sauce on side requests and other important modifications are not capitalized or in red to catch the eye as they have been at jobs with tickets. These details get lost on Bikini Bottom’s touchscreens. A sauce on side salad made by me will be wrong 50% of the time because of the instructions being camouflaged in a word salad. This goes for coleslaw on the side and drizzle on the side too. Drizzle in general I dislike because of the pretentiousness, but whatever, drizzle it on top rather than putting it in a ramekin if you must. There are numerous places where Bikini Bottom overcomplicates matters for reasons I cannot ascertain.
Why is there such a large variety of plates? Why do we have a medium circular plate for salads and a large bowl for salads with protein? This just confuses the simplest of matters. I was told this is done because of the high price hike with protein, a larger presentation was desired. But that price hike is the price of protein in 2023. Bikini Bottom should put all salads in the large bowls and use all the circular salad plates in a skeet shooting promotion. I understand why we have both a circular platter plate and a pizza plate but in my restaurant the circular platter plates must go...or maybe the large platter plate instead. Is the large platter used for anything besides fish and chips? That extra space on fish and chips plates are only used for side sauces which can easily be delivered to customers on small circular plates. What is the medium oval plate doing that the medium rectangular plate isn’t? And vice versa. Why do they both exist when they are approximately the same size? Let me write an internet commercial where we break a lot of plates so we can get some logical use out of the superfluous plates. I don’t care which one is destroyed, the ovals or the rectangles but one of them is an unnecessary redundancy in excess done again. Speaking of commercials, the unimaginative radio advertisements for Bikini Bottom are doing little to lure new customers to the restaurant.
The three radio spots I have heard on KBBL all sound like they were produced by a marketing 101 student who wasn’t a natural in the field. The voiceover actor was so uncharismatic I was certain someone from the office was chosen at random to read the copy. Then I heard that same voiceover actor selling pool supplies on another radio station so I concluded that Bikini Bottom must have hired the cheapest guy in town to produce the most basic of commercials. Perhaps there is someone else you could hire more qualified to voiceover these commercials, an actor with experience on an Emmy award winning cable program whose unique place in the film industry was written about on [website] would be a much wiser choice to be the voice of the KK? (See external link). In the ad there was no catchphrase, no jingle, no music whatsoever. This simple approach to commercials lacks the pizazz to catch the attention of radio listeners. The first two commercials I heard would get a C in marketing 101 as they were nearly the exact same and accomplished the bare minimum to sell wares, the third one would maybe get a B- because there was some sort of attempted gimmick with the voiceover whispering to represent thinking inside his head about what he was going to eat later at KK. Not only does this commercial give no reason for the man to think inside his head, the outside world still and unpopulated. To see what a creative person would do with this concept see the attached script. There is an attempted slogan that could become part of an ad campaign. Commercials aren’t the only lost opportunities in promotions.
There are numerous promotional celebrity tie-ins at Bikini Bottom’s fingertips with Dimmadome performers. The restaurant could have a Phish sandwich as a OCOP special on [Phish performance dates], or a pretentious Jelly Roll on [Jelly Roll performance date]. Has anyone reached out to the Dimmadome theater or talent management for approved special menu items to be promoted inside the dome? Perhaps a special 20% discount to ticket holders? Is Bikini Bottom capable of getting permits to extend Open Container hours beyond [cutoff time] for an afterparty or block party throughout a Dimmadome concert? I see additional marketing opportunities left on the table for all new locations.
I believe new KK locations are missing out on a marketing campaign by opening with the entire cumbersome 50 item menu. This is a staggering amount of menu items which is too much to ask new staffers to perfect all at once. After a few months expanding the menu by approximately ten items is catching to customers who haven’t returned after a single visit or infrequently stop into KK. There are ten new food items that might appeal to them. Just like it appears KK doesn’t know what it’s looking for in a good commercial spot, this company doesn’t appear to recognize a talented from an untalented worker until it’s too late.
It is my understanding that KK had a headhunter to find Icus, the first Bikini Bottom kitchen manager. If it were up to me I’d hire someone to break the legs of that headhunter for bringing in a subpar kitchen lead. We are still attempting to recover from the lousy choices she made in the floor plan. If anybody responsible for Bikini Bottom’s floor plan is still giving input, stop them immediately. Once the doors were open to the public Icus had his head in the clouds to a point where I questioned if he saw the writing on the walls of an imminent demotion and stopped trying as a result. I had a full deck of 3x5 cards in an archaic powerpoint presentation bringing numerous concerns to light that he kept putting off listening to until he was fired. Those same cards were broken out for this essay. The second kitchen manager, Krumm, is a good lesson in honesty. According to Heffer, Krumm was given a bill of goods about how smoothly KK Bikini Bottom was running. Since Krumm stepped into a latrine pit which he was led to believe was a heated pool, he left in short time. Krumm also had plans to modify the menu but when his bosses told him to be a rodeo clown rather than a cowboy Krumm didn’t take too kindly to that. Meanwhile Heffer was the savior of the Bikini Bottom kitchen. I didn’t agree with every single decision he made, but I did with a majority of them. Heffer’s overhaul was such a blessing so I didn’t have to fiddle with the organization of 60% of the equipment anymore, only about 20% now. Too bad Heffer’s crippling depression came back after bashing his head into the wall out of frustration with the shackles KK restrained him with.
The current management team is enthusiastic but inexperienced. I see an accumulation of small infractions that might bring down Bikini Bottom’s health department rating significantly. I see the entire management team being inattentive or unaware about organizational issues. Whatever bureaucratic nonsense corporate tasks everyone with from the original sous chef Skeeter to Patty Mayonnaise that makes them walk away from the line between 11am and 1pm especially is infuriating. I have never been left alone on a multi-person line during peak hours so regularly, and I won’t tolerate it anymore. As much as I believe in his drive, I imagine our current kitchen manager SpongeBob will be let go after a disastrous service during the Dimmadome concert season that someone has to take the fall for. Chef Ren and I could help bring experience in management and dealing with festival traffic...if corporate does not force us to follow a failing strategy.
After working nearly a year at KK you may ask why I’m not proficient on more than one station. Excellent question. First, when I move over to another station the squeeze bottles are never labeled (until Stu Pickles was hired, now they’re sometimes labeled), so I always looked at the glut of unlabeled sauces and I’d go back to my station because the basic information is missing (also a health department violation for having numerous unlabeled, unchilled bottles). In his first week the new general manager Stu Pickles pulled out 90% of the containers under the grill station because they were lacking labels despite an expected health department visit. The second reason for my menu ignorance is the mountain of prep for my own and upcoming shifts I have piled up on my station throughout service. My attention to detail appears to be next level with my ability to anticipate stocking all items for all shifts including the weeknd. The third reason I wouldn’t learn multiple stations is a defense against the afternoon conference calls. In [month] the Bikini Bottom line was unprepared for a busy post lunch because one cook was cut and our expo person was busy with a conference call. The two of us remaining on the line had a miserable slog through an unexpectedly busy afternoon. When I brought this up to Krabs he disregarded me, being a good bean counter he quoted the cost percentage. What he didn’t take into account was the missing expo person who could have jumped on the line and expo to help the understaffed two man team. That person was stuck on a conference call. Just recently I saw the company actively lose money because of this poorly thought-out meeting during business hours. A customer wanted to order a dessert that was 86ed but had been restocked by our prep cook an hour before. The server was unable to sell them their dessert because the only person in the building who could help un-86 an item was on a conference call. This conference call calamity is another bone-headed choice that speaks to a larger decision-making problem within the corporate structure. Finish the conference calls by 10:45 am eastern.
In conclusion, I quit my position as a lowly grunt for this company because of its unwarranted perplexing dance steps and below average management. I don’t care how much varnish and lacquer is supplied, I refuse to polish this Bikini Bottom turd as a manager or full-time employee under the current circumstances. You would have to take a pickaxe to the floor, possibly relocate the bathrooms to add a door to the dishpit, get rid of the cheap low boy that doesn’t properly drain excess water, and Mr Gorbachov knock down that wall in the middle of the kitchen to give the proper amount of space to work. Or simply reduce the menu to 36 items (including sides) because that’s the amount of space this dreadful design can comfortably output. Would Gordon Ramsay compliment KK for all the unnecessary convoluted complications abound, or would Chef Ramsay yell about keeping it simple and demand KK chuck it in the flip? Thanks to the numerous pop up restaurants I have been a part of and the hectic world of trade shows/conventions, I may have more experience than anyone else employed by KK in smoothly opening a new location. I would enjoy being part of the opening team to ensure new locations have an efficiency Bikini Bottom lacks, and to keep upper management away from their worst instincts. Work with me and Chef Ren and we will help you become a well oiled machine like Chokey Chicken instead of the Chum Bucket cesspit Bikini Bottom currently embodies.

Cardano is perhaps one of the more controversial cryptocurrencies in the space. Many people absolutely adore it and believe it’s the future. Many completely despise it. In this post I will go over the advantages and disadvantages of Cardano
If you prefer to read on substack, here is the link

Advantages

Parallel processing from the UTXO model

There are 2 ways to store users’ balances. The simpler and more intuitive model is the account model. This model is like how you have an account with a balance at a bank account. It’s very simple and easy to understand.
The other model is the UTXO model which is what Cardano uses. This model is more like a list of coins with the current owner of the coins. When users want to spend a coin, they will destroy the coin(s) they own and create new coin(s) with new owner(s). The new coin(s) need to have the same value as the destroyed coin(s).
This model is more complicated to understand at first, but when it comes to parallel processing, the UTXO model is much simpler. If you have 2 transactions trying to spend different coins, you can easily have different cores of a processor process each transaction. It’s only in cases where two transactions are trying to spend the same coin that you need to have agreement between the nodes on the order they came in.
With the account model it is more complicated to parallelize transactions but newer chains like Algorand and Solana have done it which makes the UTXO model less of an advantage compared to before.

UXTO’s and state bloat

The UTXO model also seems like the easier model to prevent state bloat. Cardano has set it up so that the more data you want to store in the UTXO set, the more ADA is required in the UTXO. This sets a limit on the maximum state size so prevents the state from growing too large. State bloat is a big issue with EVM based chains so this is a big advantage.

Native assets

Compared to the typical ERC20 style smart contract for managing secondary tokens in the network, native assets are a nicer solution.
Native assets have a much better UX as they are treated as first class citizens of the chain and don’t need things like setting approvals which is an annoyance with ERC20 tokens.
They are also much cheaper to use than ERC20 tokens as they are just a field in the UTXO instead of a smart contract that you need to interact with.

Easy to verify (Good decentralisation)

It’s very easy to verify the Cardano blockchain. Block sizes are small and occur roughly every 20 seconds. To verify the correct staker posted the block, you just have to verify a simple verifiable random function. This means you can run a Cardano node on lightweight and accessible hardware which allows for high decentralisation.
Currently the node specs might actually be too low. One of Cardano’s main selling points is using the UTXO model so it can do parallel transactions however nodes only require a 2 core CPU. Parallel processing is not much of an advantage with only 2 cores so I’d expect node specs to increase a bit in the future.

Low to zero inflation rate

Cardano’s current inflation rate is only 3% and is expected to slowly drop to 0% by around the year 2050. This inflation rate is already pretty low so gives Cardano good tokenomics for potentially being a store of value.

Fairly good distribution

It’s not as well distributed as Bitcoin or Ethereum but compared to the vast majority of cryptocurrencies, Cardano tokens are well distributed. Distribution tends to get better over time and generally more distribution happens when the price goes up. ADA is now a fairly old token and has gone through multiple hype cycles so should be fairly well distributed.
The initial distribution of tokens is not bad either. Again, not as good as Bitcoin or Ethereum who mainly distributed via mining but compared to most cryptocurrencies, not too many tokens went to the founders and VC’s. Most tokens were distributed via a public ICO which is the second best way after mining.

Large development fund

If you are not the first mover who already has the majority of developers, having the funds to develop the protocol and ecosystem is important.
Network effects are incredibly important for blockchains. Dapps and users attract more dapps and users to a chain. However it’s incredibly difficult to attract developers and users away from the status quo in the first place so being able to tempt them with money to bootstrap the ecosystem is a valid strategy. Cardano has a sustainable source of funds to do this through its treasury which gets built up through fees.

Designed for robustness

Cardano uses a consensus method called Ouroboros which is based on the longest chain style of consensus methods. Longest chain methods tend to be more robust than BFT based methods as they don’t need to receive a vote from every single participant to stay live and instead just use probabilistic finality based on how the recent participants have voted with their blocks. BFT style methods will shut down if more than 34% of the participants are offline but longest chain methods will keep going even if 99% are offline, albeit at a much slower speed.

Disadvantages

Slow

When you use the longest chain model for consensus, you get improved liveness but generally sacrifice speed. However, even taking that into account, Cardano is slow to reach a solid level of finality.
Consensus methods are voting models. With longest chain models, every time there is a fork, each validator votes on the chain they want to win by adding a block to the chain they prefer. Whichever chain ends up longest will have had the most votes so will be the winner.
The problem for Cardano is that only 1 validator votes every ~20 seconds and each vote doesn’t have much voting weight behind it. Ethereum also uses the longest chain model but each block added has many validators attesting to it so has much more voting weight behind it.
With Cardano, every epoch, a random set of validators, based on their stake, are selected to produce blocks/votes. These chosen validators will have 100% of the voting power within this epoch. For Cardano, an epoch 21,600 blocks. This means there are 21,600 votes over the epoch, each one represents 1/21600 or 0.0046% of the voting power for the epoch.
Ethereum has 100% of validators split into 32 equal committees every epoch and each committee is responsible for producing a block/vote. For Ethereum, an epoch is 32 blocks. This means each block represents 1/32 or 3.1% of the voting power.
It would take almost 4 hours for Cardano to have the same amount of voting weight on a block as Ethereum does after one 12 second block making it 1200x slower.
This method of comparison probably isn’t the best but it’s very hard to find a good way to model the voting weight for each Cardano block.

Low Throughput

Cardano is currently not scalable at all and is in fact one of the lowest throughput chains in the space being only able to handle around 7tps of basic transactions and more like 1-4tps when smart contract transactions are mixed in. Bitcoin which is known for low throughput does 7tps.
Increasing the node specs and future updates like Input Endorsers should increase the throughput significantly so it should get better over time. However, it’s unlikely to compete with high throughput chains like Algorand or Solana unless it makes the same sacrifices to decentralisation as them.

Lack of actual finality

Longest chain models do come with the major advantage of being robust but this comes at the cost of only having probabilistic finality.
More modern PoS longest chain models such as the ones used in Ethereum, Polkadot and Near, tend to use an Ebb and Flow model where they use the longest chain model to produce blocks but also have a BFT finality gadget running on top of it to provide finality. These models get the benefits of the longest chain model whilst also being able to provide finality.
Cardano does not have this and should think about adding a finality gadget on top of Ouroboros. There’s little to no downside of the Ebb and Flow model compared to a pure longest chain model.

No priority mechanism

Cardano has static fees. If there are more transactions than the network can handle then people don’t pay higher fees but instead join a queue and just have to wait. The mempool for Cardano is not that big so the queue gets full quickly. This means people have to keep posting their transaction over and over until there is room in the mempool again. There is no in-built method to guarantee your transaction reaches the blockchain during times of congestion.
If this scenario were to play out for a significant length of time, you will end up with users contacting stake pools directly and giving them a fee to guarantee their transactions will be included in blocks. If there is demand for block space, people will be willing to pay extra to get it, even if it’s outside of the protocol.
Fee markets are inescapable if there is not enough supply to match demand so whilst Cardano may not have an on-chain fee market, an off-chain fee market would develop if people actually used the chain. If a fee market is inevitable, it’s better to have it on chain where it’s transparent and fair.

Concurrency issue

Every block, each UTXO can only be spent by 1 person as when they are spent, they get destroyed. For simple transactions this is fine. If you own the UTXO then being the only person who can spend it is not an issue.
However smart contract UTXO’s are UTXO’s that can be spent by anyone. If more than one person within a block wants to interact with a DEX to buy a token, they can’t. The first person will spend the UTXO destroying it so the second person can no longer interact with it. This means you can’t have multiple people concurrently interacting with a smart contract per block.
To get around this limitation, apps have had to force users to interact with them off chain using centralised services. Here they are more prone to censorship or things like sandwich attacks.
The concurrency problem is not something that is unavoidable with the UTXO model. FuelLabs have created a smart contract language using UTXO’s that don’t suffer from the same issue but they sacrificed being completely deterministic to do it. Cardano could go in the same direction to get rid of this issue. The current situation where users are forced off chain already sacrifices determinism for users so FuelLabs’ UTXO model seems like the better option.

Hydra as the main scaling method

If you are unfamiliar with Hydra, I have a video explaining how it works here: https://youtu.be/Mx79j_-HRmk
Hydra can give potentially unlimited scaling between a small group of users as long as they are all online, have powerful enough computers to do it and are in complete agreement with each other. However the use cases for this are limited.
It’s very difficult to keep a large group of people in complete agreement over something for long periods of time and you are always prone to trolls who just like to disagree for no reason. This limits the number of people per Hydra head to around 10 people which limits its use cases.
Many dapps have community owned assets like liquidity pools which users interact with for things like trading or taking loans from. You can’t move these pools to hydra heads so the heads are limited to whatever assets the group of users bring with them. This means that the majority of defi is not possible on Hydra.
State channels like the lightning network (BTC) and Raiden (ETH) have largely been a failure but it looks like Cardano is still pursuing them heavily with Hydra. It’s hard to see why Cardano has so much confidence in a technology that doesn’t have a good track record.
Hydra is meant to be made up of two parts, Hydra heads and Hydra tails. Very little information has been revealed on Hydra tails so maybe they have something up their sleeve that will solve the problems with Hydra heads but we will have to wait and see.

Sidechains for scaling

Sidechains also seem like a big part of Cardano’s scaling roadmap. Sidechains don’t share security with Cardano and each sidechain needs to find its own security. This is incredibly difficult. Not only do side chains need a token with a large market cap, they need it to be well distributed as well if they want a good level of security. This is not an easy problem so the number of secure side chains will be limited.
Again, this is another technology that the rest of the crypto ecosystem has tried and deemed not good enough but Cardano seems to be spending a lot of resources pursuing them.

No slashing

If you are a staker then no slashing will be an advantage for UX but staking is meant to be about security first and foremost and slashing brings added security to the protocol. Proof of stake protocols that don’t implement slashing are more open to bribe attacks or collusion between validators. In Cardano, if a validator adds a block to 2 conflicting forks there is no punishment.
If consensus methods are voting models and validators are being paid to choose a side, shouldn't there be a punishment if they vote for both sides?

Delegated stake being more prone to bribery attacks

If I am running a staking pool I may have staked with just 1 ADA out of my own tokens and have 64,000,000 ADA delegated to my validator node. In this scenario, I will have little alignment with keeping Cardano secure and yet I will have quite a bit of power within the ecosystem.
If an attacker came along with a large bribe for helping with an attack, it would be rational behaviour for me to accept the bribe. I don’t have a lot of tokens locked up that can be slashed and I don’t care if my 1 ADA loses some value.
No slashing combined with the majority of stake being delegated and not owned by the validators makes Cardano more prone to bribe attacks than other proof of stake protocols that do have slashing and don’t have delegation.

Untested by actual users

Cardano may spend a significant amount of time researching the best ways to do things but this has meant it doesn’t really have real world experience on what is needed. When I look at Ethereum or Solana’s roadmaps I see things addressing MEV and fee markets due to the unpredicted ways in which users used their chains.
For Cardano there’s nothing on MEV. Barely anyone is using Cardano so they don’t have a problem with it but if they ever start to get an active DeFi economy they will realise it’s inevitable and something that will need to be researched. We’ll then have to wait years for a solution to be researched and built.
When I look at Ethereum L2’s, I can see they already tried building state channel solutions and plasma chains which failed. Them failing with these experiments completely changed their roadmap and was one of the best things that happened because these failures eventually developed into rollups.
Cardano decided it wanted to use state channels with Hydra years ago and is only trying it now. The ideas it is developing haven’t actually been tested in the real world.

Conclusion

Despite listing a lot of disadvantages here, I actually like Cardano. The tokens are fairly well distributed, they prioritise keeping node specs modest and they value robustness. Their core values are great.
They also actually try different things. They aren’t trying to recreate Ethereum with slight improvements. They have their own methods for trying to achieve the same goals.
Unfortunately, different is not always better and they have been very slow to implement their ideas. To me when I look at Cardano I see a chain that is trying to become the ideal cryptocurrency from the ideas available in 2015. The rest of the space has largely moved on from experimenting with side chains and state channels but Cardano has not.
So whilst the core values may be good, they are too slow at implementing them. The rest of the space is racing ahead. By the time Cardano will have completed its roadmap and realised it’s not good enough, other projects will already be far ahead.
Looking at it as an investment, Cardano has largely lived on hype. Reality will never match the hype so when it launched smart contracts that didn’t solve all the world’s problems, it was seen as a disappointment.
I struggle to see Cardano being able to generate as much hype as it did in previous bull cycles. It can no longer live on the promise of smart contracts and Hydra solving everything as these both now exist on main net and neither have lived up to the hype. For this reason, I see it struggling to reach the same heights in the next bull cycle unless it gains significant adoption.
If you enjoyed this post, check out my previous posts for other cryptocurrencies. I’m planning to create posts like this for all the major layer 1 cryptocurrencies so subscribe to my substack if you don’t want to miss them.

First Previous Next Ko-fi
It took three portal jumps through space, warping the travel in cohorts with the jumps to have them hovering over Planet Qwatar. Astor Boy sat in the captain's chair, sweat beading between his brows. A heavy breath gently steadying into short sharp exhales. It had been one of the most tasking jobs he'd ever done and the strain on him was visible.
"You look like a starved ferret." Zahara said from her normal position next to the door leading into the cabin.
"I've just jumped thrice through space, regulating the thrust to jump ratio to ensure the transponder doesn't malfunction mid jump. Forgive me if I'm worse for wear." Astro Boy said while running his hand through his brown wavy hair. Zahara scold at him.
Astro Boy wondered why she seemed so angry whenever she regarded him, he just passed it off as a Solstice thing. A perk of the women who have been oppressed by the empire several times, no doubt Adjuncts have knocked at their door, seeking to implement the Empire's will where it wasn't needed.
"Where are the others?" Zahara asked. They were alone in the cabin.
"They are suiting up." Astro Boy answered.
As if on cue the trio appeared. Juice had fashioned a Lethal strapper hauberk by conjoining three Lethal strappers around his torso, the muscles on his arms bulged from the sides of the vest like structure wrapped around him in a grey brown mesh of insulated thread. He also wore tight leather pants with leg greaves fashioned from Tangle tree bark to his legs. Astro Boy wondered where they'd gotten Tangle tree bark from, he hadn't been paying attention during the gift giving with the Solstice.
Honey appeared next, dressed in a single Lethal strapper that flowed down the length of his body like a robe. This Lethal strapper was of a permanent black hue that tangled in sharp contrast with Honey's pale skin.
"Bring up the scan." Honey said. Tweek followed behind in his usual trousers and shirt with the ugly polka dot tie. The Droid followed last.
Astro Boy hit at the deck buttons and on the screen a layout of the planet's terra structure formed. They hovered just out of orbit, a long way from any orbiting satellites that might spot them.
The screen overlayed an image of a large palace like structure and the heat map indicated several roaming bands of hostiles doing rounds about the palace. It had been Astro Boy's idea to launch an orbital scan of the area once he'd seen the gadgets adorning the warship.
"It appears to be surrounded by roaming bands of hostiles trailing wolves." Astro Boy said.
"How did you know there are wolves?" Zahara asked.
"The heat map shows roaming clusters around several points. I'm betting the points are humans and the clusters of heat being wolves trailing the command." Astro Boy said.
"Quite a smart lad you are, isn't that so Astro Dude?" Zahara asked.
"Enough flirting." Honey Badger interjected, "Lower us south of the palace, there near that water body." He pointed at the screen.
"That's not a water body, it's a mountain." Astro Boy answered.
"Yes, I knew that. was just testing your alertness Astro Dude." Honey Badger said.
"Perhaps we should reconsider going after this Kogi guy. I mean, we can look for another place, somewhere where it's just us and try to make a life for ourselves." Tweek said.
"As it has been said before," Juice started. "There's no peace as long as we are Tevorah, we need to hunt them down or else become the hunted."
"But these ten suitors haven't chased us like the other suitors have done." Tweek argued.
"That's because the date for a hunt hasn't been set yet." Astro Boy said. All heads turned to him. "The ten suitors, now nine have banded together to approach the Tevorah as a whole, the 'when' of this oncoming assault has yet to be decided but it's the talk of the spectrum net. The suitors are hesitant, underestimating you brought about the deaths of The twins of Ashkemar and Genabis the destroyer. The Acrylic weaver is yet to act, some say he's given the West star empire's suitors a go at you first before he acts, just to test your will."
"This Acrylic Weaver, how powerful is he?" Juice asked.
"He represents the Central Star Empire, some say he is augmented in every aspect of the word. His actions are always hidden, he ponders before he acts that's why he is yet to make his will known." Astro Boy answered.
Juice nodded and beckoned with a hand to Honey Badger. Honey reached within his Lethal strapper and unhitched a golden glowing Light Sword which he handed to Juice who tested the weight of the blade with several swishing moves before nodding in acquiescence, the potency of the blade satisfying to him.
"Drop us at the base of that mountain, we'll make a way for the Palace on our own." Juice said. "The tree cover between there and where the heat maps show human traffic is too dense to permit them to see our ship."
Tweek beckoned to Honey Badger as Juice had done but Honey regarded him with an easy glare. "What's those hand gestures for?"
"Well I want a weapon too!" Tweek said. A short silenced ensued that was immediately followed by laughing outbursts from everyone save Tweek.
"This mission isn't for you Tweek." Honey said as the laughter died down.
"I concur, stay with Astro Boy and Zahara on the ship." Juice said.
"But I want to help." Tweek interjected.
"You'll be of better help here, away from danger." Honey Badger said.
"Wait a minute, what do you mean 'Stay with Astro Boy and Zahara?'" Zahara voiced her indifference. "I'm coming with you guys, I haven't killed a man in weeks."
Honey Badger walked towards Zahara and placed a hand on her shoulder which she immediately shook off. "The time for you to show your fangs is yet to come, right now we require stealth not to run in guns blazing. We also require milk—"
"What he's saying is, we need you here on this ship to protect us." Astro Boy interjected.
"You need protecting?" Zahara, leaning over to peer at Astro Boy who nodded.
"Lower us." Juice commanded and Astro Boy moved to work. Tapping blinking buttons and pulling at levers. The ship made its slow descent into the planet Qwatar, barreling through the stratosphere, heating around its cone shaped front as it pushed ever downwards through the planet's gravity pull. Astro Boy maneuvered the ship through dense cloud cover, etching ever lower until the ship's belly scratched at the tree cover. He found a clearing just north of the mountain where he brought the ship to ground.
The middle hatch opened and a ramp formed its way to touch at the pebbled floor of the Planet Qwatar. Juice flexed his shoulders. "Wait here for us." He said while brandishing his sword and made his way to the ramp.
"We're going hunting." Honey Badger said and ejected two plasma pistols from his Lethal strapper. "Do not pray for us." He whispered. "We don't need that bad luck." And together him and Juice left the spaceship to wage war against a planet full of hostiles and roaming wolves.